This Week’s Rumors

The following stories, anecdotes, urban legends, and everything otherwise known as rumors have been investigated and have been found not to be true.

1. Vice President Dick Cheney and presidential adviser Karl Rove were “put down” after Cheney mauled House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D–CA) and Rove chewed the legs off Senator Harry Reid (D–NV). NOT TRUE!

2. Ann Coulter has undergone surgery to replace her brain with a bleeding heart. NOT TRUE!

3. Sanjaya will announce that he’s running for President in 2008. NOT TRUE!

4. Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump will co-host an “I Love New York” telethon. NOT TRUE!

5. New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin will host a reality show in which he does a tour of all American cities and offers his pithy critique about the cleanliness of each. NOT TRUE!

5. Gas prices will drop to below $2/gallon for the summer tourist season. YEAH, RIGHT...DEFINITELY NOT TRUE!

7. President Bush will launch an initiative to settle on the new planet discovered by scientists this week. The main goals of this project will be to get everyone’s mind off Iraq and to see how fast mankind can trash this new planet. NOT...well, this might be TRUE!

8. The entire Bush Administration will undergo surgery to remove the rose-colored glasses from their eyes. NOT TRUE!

9. Senator Hillary Clinton’s approval rating and “like-ability factor” will jump to 100%. NOT TRUE!

10. Leaders of Israel, Syria, Jordan, Iraq, Iran, Eqypt, Kuwait, and Saudia Arabia will come together and join hands around a huge bonfire at the United Nations while singing “Kumbya”. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!