Several Notes for New Jersey

Oh New Jersey, land of the great tomato, canned soup, cranberry and blueberry bogs, casinos and gamblers, and (of course) a great burial ground for organized crime! Your location is important, as you are a wonderful buffer zone between New York City and those of us here in southeastern Pennsylvania. You have given us such famous people as Abbott and Costello, Wheeler (but not Woolsey), and (of course) Springsteen. Despite the wonders of your state, we must point out several current events that may besmirch your reputation.

GOVERNOR CORZINE RELEASED FROM THE HOSPITAL

Yes, it’s true the governor has recovered enough from his auto accident several weeks ago to go home for further rehab. While it is very nice that he is recovering and his injuries weren’t more serious, we must point out that he is out of the hospital. This means that the vacation from this faster-than-the-sound-barrier convoy is over! The governor expects to be streaking down your highways very shortly, so you may want to be extra cautious on the roads for awhile. While it is not true that the governor will be racing the Blue Angels, his release from the hospital may mean a significant increase in car insurance rates for New Jersey drivers.

GAY AMERICAN FALL OUT

The latest chapter in the Jim “I am a gay American” McGreevey saga was unveiled this week when his estranged wife, Dina Matos, published her memoir. This event was further highlighted by an appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show. I guess the Jerry Springer Show was all booked up. I can see the title of that show, “My Governor Husband is a Homosexual!”

So now, as loyal members of the American book-buying public, we are suppose to line up and plunk down our hard-earned cash just to read how much McGreevey’s revelation hurt his wife. “Oh, boo-hoo, I’ve been hurt, give me lots of money to make it go away.” I know I shouldn’t knock something that is rapidly becoming the American way, but I am choosing to turn away. What next? Will the McGreevey’s five-year-old daughter write her memoir about her pain? Maybe she’ll be the one member of the McGreevey clan to land on the Springer show.

Meanwhile, I can’t help noticing something about the estranged wife. I’ve noticed that she is a blonde. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with this, but honey, being a blonde is a privilege that should not be abused.

You claim that he never gave any hint that he was gay. No late nights at the office, no mysterious phone calls from males – and not females – asking for your husband, and no other clues that he considered you as nothing more than a beard? I find this hard to believe.

Let’s look at the facts: you were married to a very handsome man, living a fairy-tale existence in the Governors mansion of a great state, and the thought never occurred to you, “This is too good to be true!” Well, it was too good to be true. Now you’re crying foul and poised to turn your pain into gold.

Well, New Jersey, these are the events putting your state into the news this week. True, it does give us a break from hearing about the murder rate in Camden, or on-going corruption probes in Trenton, but this is small consolation for the sordid gossip passing itself off as major issues these days. Ah, such trivial times we Americans live in today!