A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Our Nuclear Capability

I want to share some good news and some bad news about our chances of being wiped out by a nuclear attack. The good news is that we probably shouldn’t worry about nuclear missiles hitting us from places like North Korea or Iran. The reason for this brings us to our bad news. The real threat to our lives isn’t from these foreign powers, but rather from someone a lot closer to us, because it is us.

I made this conclusion after a report was released about an incident earlier this year. The incident began at the air base in Minot, ND. A dozen missiles were transported by military jet to a base in Louisiana, where it was discovered that six of the missiles had nuclear warheads on them and should not have been transported at all. The mistake was not noticed for 36 hours. Each warhead is the equivalent of 10 atomic bombs that were dropped on Hiroshima.

One of the officers involved in the incident was asked, “How could you overlook the fact that you were loading nuclear warheads onto this jet?” Lt. Beavis* replied, “Heh-heh-heh! You said head!” The same question was put to the lieutenant’s commanding officer. General Butthead* responded, “That dill-hole! I ordered that ass-wipe to send those things parcel post!"

Honestly, I can see how this mistake could happen, despite all of the procedures and safeguards in place. It’s just a matter of keeping your wits about you when handling the nuclear warheads. Anne Marie and I get around this problem by using separate plastic bins. We have one bin for trash, two for glass/plastic/cans/newspapers, and the last one for nuclear missiles. We’ve yet to have any problems since we organize our trash and recycling this way.

Still, you have to wonder how close most of the people living in the midwest came to a nuclear holocaust. After all, if the bombs had been accidentally released, or if the jet itself had crashed, the results would have been catastrophic. Think about this: if the midwest states are rendered uninhabitable, then what will separate us elitist snobs on the east coast from all those conservative loonies on the west coast?

Or we could express the results mathematically. Let’s see: 6 missiles X the power of 10 Hiroshima atomic bombs = 60 atomic bombs. Now consider the half-life and isotopes of each and let’s! That’s a lot of radiation!

Don’t worry, America! Your government has everything under control! Yes, the same government that stumbled us into Iraq! Yes, the same government that is taking forever to rebuild the Ninth Ward in New Orleans! Yes, the same government that...hmm.

America, we are all nuclear toast.

*Names have been changed to protect the obviously stupid (with apologies to Mike Judge)


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