Osama, Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are

This blog has on many occasions taken pot shots at the Bush Administration, but today they will get a slight reprieve. Today I will aim my barbs at someone who has shown himself to be even more despicable than George W. Bush. In fact, his masterminding of the 9/11 attacks made Bush look like the greatest thing since sliced bread. For that reason alone, he deserves our wrath. Of course, I’m referring to Osama Bin Laden, who remains at large and very much alive six years after the attack.

After a three year absence, our bad boy releases two videos with the same old messages: convert Western world, or we’ll send suicide bombers to destroy you, blah, blah, blah. Frankly, I was expecting more from you, Osama, given the amount of time you had to put these videos together. For one thing, there is no music, no catchy soundtrack whatsoever. This video won’t even chart on YouTube. Your delivery is very dry and boring. Hell, your performance was even outdone by Britney Spears earlier in the week, and she was sleepwalking!

Then you insist on speaking in a foreign tongue that we, your intended audience/victims, don’t understand. No wonder we ignore what you say. Listen pal, our attitude around here is, “If you don’t speak English, you don’t get a cheesesteak,” or something like that.

We do, however, have some people who have translated your rants for us and so we do know that you have called on America to convert to Islam. Okay, we’ll give this request serious thought for a second...

Okay, we’re back. We’ve thought it over and our answer is, “Sorry, but no thank you.” You see, Osama, we live in a society that recognizes that many of us don’t necessarily share the same beliefs and we respect their beliefs as long as they don’t infringe on the common good. Some of us may convert to Islam, and we’re fine with that if they feel that Islam can give them the spiritual contentment that they want. That would be their choice. We don’t resort to threats of blackmail and mass murder like you do to convert people to your way of thinking. Obviously, you flunked out of the Dale Carnegie course on influencing friends and associates.

Aside from all that, I don’t think you have much credibility as a fearless terrorist leader. Recent published reports quoted a physician, who served next to you in Bora Bora when American troops were closing in, that you were only concerned about your own safety. Great, you have no problem sending others to their martyrdom, but when it comes to your own kidney-impaired body you turn into a hypocritical coward! Frankly, I don’t see how the other Jihad warriors can look you in the face.

Perhaps you should strap one of those IEDs on your back and see how it feels to be a suicide bomber. Go ahead, put one on and stroll into your encampment with your other warriors. I’m sure they would be very impressed with you. Better still, come out of your cave with your hands up. We promise you’ll get a fair trail – broadcast exclusively on the Fox network – before we find you guilty and get medieval on your intolerant ass!

Meanwhile, back here at home, the slight reprieve for the Bush Administration ends. I have a question for you, Mr. President: why is this man still at large? By all rights, Osama should have been cooling his sandals at Guantanamo by now. We have the greatest amount of surveillance equipment ever in the history of mankind and we still can’t find this guy? I hope it’s not a case of keeping him alive just to keep your “war on terror” arguments politically viable.

It will be left to the American people, again, to demand justice. In the next year, we should hear the following question directed to all of the presidential candidates, Democrat and Republican: “Sir or madam, the Bush Administration's efforts to capture Osama Bin Laden has been a miserable failure. What will you do to bring this mass murderer to justice?” I can hardly wait for the answers.