A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Monday, April 19, 2010

That’s Right...Taxes*

The tax collection season has officially ended, yet the “I pay too much taxes” bitching continues. The tea partiers are threatening to make a full-time career out of this. I have my own theory about that group, but that’s another posting. In the meantime, we should look at the other side of the return and see what taxes do for us.

For example, you like driving everyday on nice smooth roads over bridges that won’t suddenly crumble under the weight of your SUV, right? How do you think those roads came to be in the first place? Through the hard work of dedicated, skilled, unionized road builders! And how are these men and women rewarded for their efforts? That’s right...taxes!

The people who work night and day, keeping their eyes and ears open for illegal activity, and maintaining safety in our communities while the rest of us go about our everyday business. Yes, I’m talking about the millions of men and women serving in police departments all over the country who — contrary to popular belief — need more than just coffee and donuts to survive. How is their livelihood paid for? That’s right...taxes!

How about the food in the supermarkets that you buy every week? You know what I’m talking about: the canned goods that tell you exactly what is in them so you can determine if they are good enough for your consumption. Do you think the grocery industry took it upon itself to do this as public service? Hell, no! They do it because there are laws in place requiring them to list the ingredients. There are laws that safeguard the American shopper who can rest assured that when they buy a can of tuna that it actually has tuna in it, and not one of Flipper’s distant relatives. How did these laws come to exist? It happened through the tireless work of legislators on the state and federal levels. And how are these elected officials, their staffs, and aides compensated for their endeavors? That’s right...taxes.

When something happens that someone somewhere declares is wrong, whether it’s people starving because they don’t have any income to buy food, or cruel conditions in which dogs are kept so that they can be bred for a huge profit, or the hazardous working conditions in the coal mines...chances are there is an agency that exists which regulates and remedies these problems. There are resources for people to find food and employment, organizations which protects man’s best friend from cruel and unhealthy habitations, and agencies to keep miners safe and healthy. How do these agencies do all this? That’s right...taxes!

While we’re on the subject of protection, let’s not forget the brave men and women serving in all of our armed forces. They put their lives on the line every day to keep our country safe, secure, and free! It costs mucho dinero to feed, house, and give them the tools, equipment and weapons they need to carry out their duties. Where do you think this money comes from? That’s right...taxes!

So ponder all these wonderful benefits, Mr. and Mrs. American Taxpayer, and all the ships at sea for that matter! Good night, good luck, and quit your bitchin’.

*Serving Suggestion: we strongly encourage the reader to quietly hum “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” to themselves while they read this stirring, pretentious, convoluted ode to government revenue.

(Thank you for reading. Please remember to be grateful for everything this great country offers us. What the hell, we paid for it, right?)


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