A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Stupid White Males in “A Night at Citizens Bank Park”

The good news for fans of the Philadelphia Phillies is that they are doing as well as expected this early in the season. The team is in first place in a very tight division race, which promises a lot of drama and excitement as the season wears on. The bad news is that some of the Phillies fans have been exceeding expectations, raising the bar on bad, rude, boorish public behavior.

Submitted for your approval: the New Jersey fan who — outraged that his drunken buddy had been ejected from the game — vomited on the man and the man’s daughter who complained about his buddy. This week a cold sober teenager ran out onto the field just for the hell of it and got tasered into submission. Then, more recently (as in two days ago) another Phillies fan who is far older and theoretically should have a greater sense of responsibility reenacted the teenager’s actions by running onto the field during the game.

Many people in the area have weighed in about these incidents. There is some disagreement on whether the use of the taser in incident 2 was warranted. However, there is no disagreement on labeling these guys. So far, the list has been narrowed to the following: moron, idiot, jerk, bone head, jerk (sorry we used that one already), twit, asshole, jerk squared, idiot to the third power, and major asshole.

Readers, please feel free to use any or all of these terms when talking about these “gentlemen”. Don’t worry: these terms are all in the public domain. You won’t be charged with violating copyright laws if you use them!

First there was the New Jersey loser who calls himself “PukeMan”. It appears that his greatest skill is putting his finger down his throat and regurgitating whatever foul substance he has digested. Consider what he might have had in his stomach at the time of the incident: beer and any number of greasy, fatty, deep fried objects which pass as snack foods at Citizens Bank Park. We later learned that he lives at home with his parents and works for his father, probably because no one else will hire him. Can you imagine how he would answer this question at a job interview: “What is your greatest strength?” Now you see the problem.

Then there is the "Stupid Teenager", who should be an embarrassment to all those between the ages of 13 and 21, but will instead be looked upon as a hero. In this instance, a Philly cop tasered the boy, which many people believe was an over reaction. They reason, after all, he was meaning no one any harm and he was only armed with a rally towel. Are you people kidding? Have you ever seen what a rally towel can do to a person’s backside? How was the officer supposed to know that? Remember we are living in an era where many localities are loosening gun laws so much that guns can be carried anywhere. The same thing is happening to concealed weapons laws.

In any event, "Stupid Teenager" is lucky that it wasn’t Ohio National Guard Night (on the eve of the 40th anniversary of Kent State) at Citizens Bank Park. He was lucky he was only shot with a taser! (Okay, I realize I went for a cheap shot at the expense of the National Guard, who I will admit perform great services for our country. One unit is now working to corral the oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico for example. Still, I can’t help myself. I tend to get cranky whenever I remember great moments of unjustifiable homicide in our nation’s history!)

Then there is the one we will call “Really, Really Stupid Man” (RRSM). Like “Stupid Teenager”, he also leaped over the railing and started running around the outfield. Police subdued him without the use of weapons — electronic or otherwise. His idiocy was later compounded when authorities found marijuana on his person. Now, in addition to criminal trespass, he’ll also be charged with possession of a controlled substance! Nice going! What the hell was he thinking, “Gee, I hope they don’t search me and find my stash...”

Again, no harm done? Wrong! Don’t these two fools know that the baseball diamond is an exclusive area? You have to be a multi-millionaire player to be on the field! The baseball field is not meant for the likes of the blue collar clods who think it’ll be grand fun to hop skip and jump, all the while interrupting a major league sporting event. How dare they mess with the great American institution of baseball?

In the latter case, RRSM may have prevented the Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels from completing a shutout. His performance in the outfield interrupted Hamels' rhythm and wrecked his mojo. As soon as RRSM was off the field, Hamels served up two doubles enabling the Cardinals to score!

Way to go! For that, you should have been the one tasered!

(Thank you for reading. Please watch for “PukeMan”, “Stupid Teenager” and “Really, Really Stupid Man” coming to a major league baseball venue near you soon!)


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