A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Honest Communications and Body Pride or “Does This Blog Entry Make Me Look Fat?”

In our on-going quest to improve communications across cultures, countries, governments and, yes, genders, we at arteejee have identified an annoying and hazardous road bump in the relationships of life. It starts innocently enough as a question posed usually from a female to a male. It is the question every male in a committed relationship dreads: “Does this (insert article of clothing here) make me look fat?”

There are I don’t know how many other things a man would rather do at that moment than answer that question. He could (for example) come down with the sudden urge to perform an emergency vasectomy on himself with whatever rusty instruments happen to be within reach. What the hell! Depending on how he answers this question, he probably won’t need the testicles anymore anyway!

As a public service to men everywhere, if you’re wife/girlfriend/significant other ever invites you into this tar pit from which there is no escape, please direct them to this blog. Specifically, direct them to this entry, where we here at arteejee are bold enough to answer the question honestly and directly for you. You can say, “Dear, you’ll find your answer at” Then, while your lady boots up the computer and comes to this blog, you’ll have a chance to run like hell.

Ladies, here is your answer: “Don’t be silly! The pants/skirt/blouse looks fine! It’s your big butt that makes you look fat!”

There, we said it! That’s right, we, as opposed to your cowardly husband/boyfriend/significant other. I know it’s tough to take, but this is the price you pay for wanting a relationship with “honest” communication.

Please bear in mind this is not a universal catch-all for all communication situations that could result in homicide or suicide. For example, if you and your lady are splitting up shortly anyway, then you may want to go for a more blunt answer to her question that will drive the last nails into the coffin that was your relationship. If this is the case, then direct them to this answer: “My God, woman! Have mercy on that material! It’s not Spandex you know!”

In case you’re wondering, I have never been confronted with such a dreadful dilemma, because my wife is a very smart woman. She is not shaped like a Barbie doll and she is not a trophy wife. She made these points plain to me when we first started dating, and, what’s more, she is quite proud of these facts. She knows what her body shape is and she knows what materials and colors compliment her body shape.

Anne Marie is also smart enough not to ask me such a question, because I have the fashion sense of a gnat. She knows my opinion of clothing is totally worthless. Seriously, I can recall one incident when a woman broke into laughter upon being introduced to me because I dared to wear a brown shirt with black pants. Me? No fashion sense? Guilty as charged!

I’d like to think that I’m doing better in that department now. I can’t take total credit for this transformation. Once again, I must give credit where it is due and, yes, you guessed it, I have Anne Marie to thank for this also. Oh, and also, for the record, I know I look fat in my pants, and I’m not blaming the pants!

(Thank you for reading. Please remember the wise words of Fernando when he said, “You look mahvelous!)*

*With apologies to Billy Crystal.


Anonymous Janey said...

Dear Arteejee,

Does my crotch bulge make me look fat?? I can handle the truth...


July 14, 2010 at 5:32 PM  

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