Snort Notes – June 2010
FORMER VICE-PRESIDENT/ENVIRONMENTAL SUPERMAN AL GORE AND HIS WIFE, TIPPER, ANNOUNCE THAT THEY ARE SEPARATING AMICABLY AFTER 40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE
This was a shock! After all, the Gores were the dream couple that weathered the hurricane known as the Clinton marriage. Ironically, the Clintons are still together!
The announcement explained that the decision to part ways was done after a long and deliberate consideration. Friends of the couple have added that the separation was not due to any infidelities on either side, which undoubtedly has bummed out the media. A nice, juicy affair sells more newspapers and more ad time on the 24/7 television news cycle. It doesn’t appear that Al came home one day after a grueling day of inventing the Internet and found another man’s carbon footprint in his bedroom.
It seems that the couple has simply grown apart. Al, after all, has been out trying to save the world — literally! He’s away from home a lot doing powerpoint presentations on pollution, lecturing academics on the dangers of global warming, and denouncing the industrial giants that shoo away their environmental responsibility of our contaminated planet! That’s a lot to do in one day! Oh well, here’s hoping they have many years of unwedded bliss ahead of them!
PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES RETURN FROM DISMAL 2-7 ROAD TRIP AND STUMBLE OUT OF FIRST PLACE
This is nothing new for the Phillies because they seem to go through a slump every season around the month of May. This doesn’t explain the way the stars aligned on May 29 when Roy Halladay fanned 27 batters, and the defense backed him up superbly, to enable him to pitch the second perfect game in franchise history. For those of you playing along at home, the only other perfect game in Phillies history was performed by Jim “What happened to my Senate seat?” Bunning on Father’s Day, 1964.
I don’t know what exactly the team’s problems are now. Perhaps they miss Jimmy Rollins, whose recurring lower leg strain has made him a part-time player this year. Granted, it’s hard to get fired up when one of your major players goes from strutting up and down the dugout taunting the opposition to limping around the infield taunting the team trainer. Then again, we could be witnessing the unfolding of a far more sinister plan at work.
Here’s a theory: the Phillies are such a caring, giving group of players that they don’t want all the glory of being in first place all season. They may want to share first place with the other teams in the division. Yes, that must be it! The Fightin’s allowed the Mets to take first place for a few games at the beginning of May; now it’s the Braves turn. Yes, let each team savor the wonder of first place...then cruelly snatch it away!
Soon the tables will turn, everyone will start hitting again, the infield will execute flawless double plays again, and the bullpen will shut the opposition down. The Phils will surge forward again into first place and never give it up for the rest of the season. Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! (More diabolical laughter, etc.) At least, I HOPE that’s what their master plan is...
BILL AND HILLARY CLINTON ARE STILL TOGETHER
Sorry, I just can’t emphasize the irony of all this enough.
(Thank you for reading. Please remember the Gores are history! The Clintons...ARE...STILL...MARRIED!)
This was a shock! After all, the Gores were the dream couple that weathered the hurricane known as the Clinton marriage. Ironically, the Clintons are still together!
The announcement explained that the decision to part ways was done after a long and deliberate consideration. Friends of the couple have added that the separation was not due to any infidelities on either side, which undoubtedly has bummed out the media. A nice, juicy affair sells more newspapers and more ad time on the 24/7 television news cycle. It doesn’t appear that Al came home one day after a grueling day of inventing the Internet and found another man’s carbon footprint in his bedroom.
It seems that the couple has simply grown apart. Al, after all, has been out trying to save the world — literally! He’s away from home a lot doing powerpoint presentations on pollution, lecturing academics on the dangers of global warming, and denouncing the industrial giants that shoo away their environmental responsibility of our contaminated planet! That’s a lot to do in one day! Oh well, here’s hoping they have many years of unwedded bliss ahead of them!
PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES RETURN FROM DISMAL 2-7 ROAD TRIP AND STUMBLE OUT OF FIRST PLACE
This is nothing new for the Phillies because they seem to go through a slump every season around the month of May. This doesn’t explain the way the stars aligned on May 29 when Roy Halladay fanned 27 batters, and the defense backed him up superbly, to enable him to pitch the second perfect game in franchise history. For those of you playing along at home, the only other perfect game in Phillies history was performed by Jim “What happened to my Senate seat?” Bunning on Father’s Day, 1964.
I don’t know what exactly the team’s problems are now. Perhaps they miss Jimmy Rollins, whose recurring lower leg strain has made him a part-time player this year. Granted, it’s hard to get fired up when one of your major players goes from strutting up and down the dugout taunting the opposition to limping around the infield taunting the team trainer. Then again, we could be witnessing the unfolding of a far more sinister plan at work.
Here’s a theory: the Phillies are such a caring, giving group of players that they don’t want all the glory of being in first place all season. They may want to share first place with the other teams in the division. Yes, that must be it! The Fightin’s allowed the Mets to take first place for a few games at the beginning of May; now it’s the Braves turn. Yes, let each team savor the wonder of first place...then cruelly snatch it away!
Soon the tables will turn, everyone will start hitting again, the infield will execute flawless double plays again, and the bullpen will shut the opposition down. The Phils will surge forward again into first place and never give it up for the rest of the season. Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! (More diabolical laughter, etc.) At least, I HOPE that’s what their master plan is...
BILL AND HILLARY CLINTON ARE STILL TOGETHER
Sorry, I just can’t emphasize the irony of all this enough.
(Thank you for reading. Please remember the Gores are history! The Clintons...ARE...STILL...MARRIED!)
posted by todd gunther | 4:08 AM
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