Summer Projects

Summer is approaching fast and it’s time to make up the project to-do list for home improvements. Here are some detailed suggestions on how to accomplish a few of your warm weather tasks.

REPLACING AN OUTDOOR LIGHT BULB OVER YOUR GARAGE

Pull 10' ladder out of garage and place against wall at point that is comfortable to reach the light bulb. Step onto the first ladder rung to test for balance. Feel your forehead and groan. Remark loudly so that your wife hears, “Honey, I feel light-headed. Can you put this bulb in?”

RESULT

Light bulb is replaced with minimal effort on your part. If your wife complains that she has a fear of heights – as my wife would — tell her it’s not that far up and it’s tasks like this that will help her overcome her phobia. If she still complains, offer to stand to one side of the ladder and warn her if the ladder starts to tip away from the wall.

PAINTING THE BACK STEP

Procure one gallon each of primer and the desired color paint, and a wide paintbrush. Open can and stir paint so that the consistency is uniform. Using a nail and hammer puncture holes around the rim of the can so that paint will drip back into the can each time you wipe excess paint from your brush. Place hand on back and groan with the exclamation, “Honey, can you come out and finish this project? My back is starting to ache.”

RESULT

Back step is repainted and you still have enough energy to tackle other projects. Oh sure, the wife might complain that the paint fumes aggravate her asthma — like my wife. This is your chance to call her out as a “wuss” and remind her that it’s little challenges like this that build character.

HANGING A PICTURE

Every summer day will not be sunny and perfect, so it’s a good idea to have a few indoor jobs on your to-do list. First, gather up your tools such as a hammer, nail and picture hook, and level. Next, position the picture on the desired place on the wall. Then grasp fingers in your hand and squeeze hard until your fingers turn red and they appear to be swollen. Hit the hammer on a hard surface and yell out in pain as the hammer strikes the object. Feel free to ad-lib a few curse words before you say, “Honey! I just smashed my fingers with the effen hammer! Could you please hang this effen picture while I run cold water over my fingers?”

RESULT

Picture is hung.

NEGOTIATE VIABLE ECONOMIC SANCTIONS AGAINST IRAN AND NORTH KOREA TO DISCOURAGE THEIR STOCKPILING OF NUCLEAR WEAPONS

Okay, admittedly this task is a lot harder than your run-of-the-mill everyday handyman summer project. In fact, it sounds like a lot of work. It’s probably best if you just let the wife handle this one. No need for tricks here, just come right out and say something like, “Honey, I don’t trust either side on this issue. Could you take care of it?” Or concoct some reason on your own. What? Do you really expect us to do all your thinking for you?

RESULT

?

UNLOADING THE DISHWASHER

Open dishwasher and lift out dishes, bowls, glasses and silverware. Stack dishes in cabinet or assigned rack. Bowls and glasses should also be placed in cabinets. Replace silverware in their respective places in the silverware drawer.

RESULT

Dishes are stored away, ready for use for the next meal. What? You expected your wife to do this job too? May I remind you that you just sent her halfway around the world to deal with half-crazed nuclear madmen! You’ll probably never see her again and now you’re complaining about putting away dishes? What a bunch of wusses...

(EDITOR'S NOTE: The editorial board of arteejee, namely Anne Marie Gunther, does not support, encourage, or condone any of these summer project suggestions. Now please excuse me while I go kick some male butt!)

(Thank you for reading. Please remember kicks to the butt can hurt!)