A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Saturday, November 19, 2011

The Lesser of Eight Evils

Ah, the ups and downs of the Republican presidential hopefuls on the campaign trail. There’s so many from which to choose, and so much time to do the choosing. The popularity of each candidate grows and wanes so fast that it can leave the heads of the electorate swimming.

The election is nearly 11 months away and already some of the GOP field have had brilliant launches, and then just as quickly flamed out. Michele Bachmann peaked very early in Iowa; she’s now on a book tour thinly disguised as a run for the White House. Pundits have pronounced Herman Cain’s quest all but dead; the sexual harassment skeletons in his closet didn’t help, but his dithering on some issues, such as Obama’s policy towards Libya, shows he’s ill-prepared for debate let alone the Oval Office. Then, breaking out of the back of the pack, Newt Gingrich rises in popularity only to be dogged by a controversy about $1.5 million in consulting fees he collected from taxpayer subsidized Freddie Mac.

We realize that Republicans have a while to choose their man (or woman) to unseat Obama, but this is getting ridiculous! This making someone believe they are the chosen ones, then throwing them on the political heap a month later is getting very tired, very fast.* Make up your minds already!

Now, as a public service, we will thin the current herd and make their decision that much easier.

One fellow who also peaked about two months ago (honestly, I’ve lost count) and who believes he still has a chance is Texas’ absentee governor, Rick Perry. This week he launched an anti-Obama political ad that is being broadcast about a year too early. It really is an intense indictment against the president that should have been released in the heat of the final campaign, not months before the presumptive nominee is even chosen.

Perry’s ad starts with footage of Obama at a business forum where he answers a question about the perception among foreign investors that America has “impediments towards investing”. The President answered in reference to American policymakers and business that “we’ve been a bit lazy” in selling the investment opportunities that the country offers. Perry pounced on the “a bit lazy” words and said that Obama was referring to American workers. He denounced the President’s attitude as “pathetic”, and finished the ad with a plea to send him to Washington to stop Obama’s socialistic agenda.

Perry’s quote twisting is the only pathetic act in this drama. He is the one calling Americans lazy, not Obama. Hard working Americans should find Perry’s act offensive, yet his audience will believe his version of the events.

Perry should get off the campaign trail and go back to Austin to finish the job that the good people of Texas elected him to do. The same could be said for Bachmann and her fellow House member Ron Paul. Get back to Washington and finish your terms; then worry about a job at the White House. This would take three people out of the race and cut the choices down to five.

So who would be left? Aside from the aforementioned Cain and Gingrich, there is former congressman Rick Santorum, former Obama official Jon Huntsman and former governor (and for all intents and purposes the most consistent front runner) Mitt Romney. Santorum and Huntsman have yet to have their month atop the polls, but rest assured they’ll get their chance if the fickleness of the Republican electorate holds to its present course. If each one of these candidates gets his chance to be on top of the heap, then we can expect some sort of skeleton to emerge from their respective closets within days of their ascension.

This is going to be a fun spectator sport for liberals to follow this winter! I can hardly wait! Face it, Republican Party faithful: when all is said and done, you’ll have the lesser of eight evils to choose from: Mitt Romney. Good luck and happy polling!

*I’m especially worried about Newt! He’s soooooo sensitive, you know. Why, one time he pouted and closed the whole government down, and we all remember what happened next. The shutdown created a crisis that forced many White House staffers to work longer hours together, which allowed Monica to sink her claws into Bill and she wouldn’t let go, and then the President lied about what they did, so he was impeached...and it was all Newt’s fault! Now there’s an interpretation of American history that you won’t read anywhere else but here!

(Thank you for reading!)


Anonymous Janey said...

If I ever were to vote for a Republican -- not bloody likely -- it would be Jon Huntsman. Why, oh why, are the Republicans too stupid to see that HE is the electable candidate?

November 20, 2011 at 6:50 AM  

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