arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Snort Notes – September 2011

PHILLIES WIN FIFTH STRAIGHT EASTERN DIVISION TITLE

With their win over the STL Cardinals on Saturday, the PHL Phillies clinched their fifth straight eastern division National League title, ensuring that they will move into the postseason. The fans celebrated with a fireworks display and the team celebrated by popping multiple cases of bubbly champagne at Citizens Bank Park. Sunday night the team was shut out, and they lost Monday's game as well.

Yep, that’s our Phillies!

So Little Leaguers, let this be a lesson to you! Lay off the sauce after you win a big victory, otherwise you’ll be worthless for the next game. Grape juice is okay, but non-alcoholic cider is verboten!

Second note to the Phillies: the fans have noticed that your hitting hasn’t been as consistent as it should be. Okay, you’ve won the right to play the postseason, but it pains us to remind you that the regular season isn’t over yet. There’s still a matter of a dozen or so games yet to be played. I’d like to see you win at least two more to get a 100 win season. Two more wins beyond that and you’ll beat the franchise record of 101 wins set in 1976 and 1977. (Thank you, Wikipedia!)

PUMPKIN IS FOUND GROWING ON A PEAR TREE IN IOWA

This week’s Internet sensation is the photo of a pumpkin growing on a pear tree. I’m not surprised, being it’s Iowa. However, it does make me question more than ever their right to proclaim the next biggest star of the Republican Party once every four years in the Iowa straw poll.

Let’s face it! Why should we trust them to tell the Republican faithful for whom they should vote (although this is a dilemma that I don’t have to worry about) when they can’t even grow their fruit correctly? I’d expect this type of thing to happen in La-La Land, but upright, midwestern Iowa? I could better believe it if I was still inhaling the second hand smoke from those funny cigarettes my fellow Alpha Psi members smoked when we were in college, but I haven’t been near those cigarettes in decades. (Okay, Janey, insert your comment here...)

Of course, there is a logical, non drug-induced, agriculturally-viable explanation for the pumpkin in the pear tree. The pumpkin vine has simply grown up the trunk of the tree and followed a branch to its terminus where it is now sprouting its fruit. This is not surprising for a pumpkin plant. Hell, these things are so easy to grow. All you have to do is discard your used, moldy jack-o’lantern in a compost pile after Halloween, and the next year you have a pumpkin patch.

Pumpkins sprout as easily as fear-mongering politicians in an ideological vacuum. While we’re on the subject of Republicans...

OBAMA ANNOUNCES AMBITIOUS JOB CREATION/DEFICIT REDUCTION PLAN

President Obama announced more of his plan to reduce the deficit through spending cuts to Medicare, and raising taxes on those making over $250,000 per year. So far, the President’s announcement has caused the usual excitement among the nation’s pundits, but of course the biggest sounds are coming from Congressional Republicans, who are acting all pissed off at the President’s plans.

I’m already onboard with Obama’s proposal, particularly since it has ticked off the GOP, and any day that the GOP is ticked off is a good day indeed. They have actually renewed their “class warfare” accusations against Obama. When will the Republican Party admit that they’re the ones that have been waging warfare against middle class America for years?

Obama believes that a mixture of spending cuts and revenue increases (by raising you know what) is simple math and not class warfare. Spending cuts only go so far. Eventually more revenue will have to be raised to meet our obligations. Please don’t take my word for it. Just ask any of the 9.1% of Americans who have not seen any revenue in their lives in months! They can tell you that spending cuts alone won’t alleviate the debt.

Better yet GOP, don’t ask them! Just keep pursuing the failed economic theories that postulate that the super rich should be able to keep their money so they can be the wonderful job creators you love to defend. Only the jobs aren’t being created, or haven’t you noticed that? Again, refer to the 9.1% of unemployed Americans. They’ll set you straight, real fast.

THE AMERICAN MILITARY POLICY OF “DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL” ENDS

The self-defeating policy, which disenfranchised thousands of military personnel who happen to be gay, finally came to an end at midnight last night. Now, homosexual men and women can serve their country openly without fear of dishonorable discharge. While it was in place, the DADT policy penalized many talented soldiers and sailors who could have proven very useful in the on-going war against terrorism. This narrow-minded way of thinking only hurt all of us as a society in the long run.

Of course, there are those who will decry this progressive turn of events as undermining American society and contributing to the moral decay of our nation. The end of DADT will tick these people off no end. As I said before: it’s a good day.

(Thank you for reading. Pumpkin pear pie anyone?)

1 Comments:

Anonymous Janey said...

Dear RTG,

Those "funny cigarettes" smoked by Alpha Psi members (and their numerous lovers) have been known to cause memory loss (which is why they call it "dope"), so do let me refresh your hazy memory: You were not breathing in "second-hand smoke", as you so cloudily recall, but instead, you were inhaling it first-hand, deliberately, and with great desire. Must I break out the photographic evidence to prove this? And to only mention it being consumed in the form of "funny cigarettes" creates an ugly slight of all the fond memories of the various bongs and pipes that were also used (again, I have the photos). And to think that all this illicit activity was being done by members of an HONOR fraternity! Ah, I miss those good times, my dear friend and fraternity brother! :-)

Love, Janey

September 21, 2011 at 7:05 AM  

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