A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Thursday, November 01, 2012

A Paul Ryan Fantasy*

Paul entered through the french doors from the garden, the sweat of his labors making the sleeveless t-shirt cling to the six pack abs that seemed to strain and ripple through the sheer fabric. Janey, standing demurely by the buffet, turned quickly and sucked in a large gulp of air at the sight of the man in front of her. “My gosh,” Paul said, “I certainly built up a huge appetite working in the garden this morning! I dare say that it’s a 53% appetite! Janey, is lunch ready?”

“In a few minutes,” Janey said, breathlessly taking in the view. My, she thought, if Paul only knew the show he was putting on for her! “You have just enough time to wash up and…get comfortable.”

“Get comfortable? What do you mean?" he said quizzically, his blue eyes sparkling like miniature stars in a sea of blackness.

“Oh, it’s just that you look so…” and she nearly choked on the next word, “…hot!”

Paul looked down at his body, and it took every ounce of strength in Janey’s body to resist rushing over to him and throwing her arms around him. She resisted the thought…for now! “Take your shirt off,” she said as she sauntered from the room, “I’ll get you a fresh one from the laundry.”

She stopped just beyond the doorway, looked over her shoulder, and saw him pull the shirt over his head, slowly revealing every fleshy ripple of the muscles on his stomach. They were hard and tight, glistening from the sweat. Janey took a deep breath as she imagined the manly aroma his body gave off as he exposed the skin to the cool afternoon air.

The shirt was completely off now, and he stood there, grinning at her. It was then that she saw the blood on his chin. She hadn’t seen it before, but then she realized she hadn’t taken her eyes off his chest the entire time she stood at the buffet. In one smooth graceful motion, she pulled a white handkerchief from her bosom, and quickly crossed the room to be near him.

“Paul,” she exclaimed, “You’re bleeding!”

“What? Oh, that,” he grinned, “It’s nothing! Don’t make a fuss over it. Just some thorn from a rose branch flew back into my face.”

“Oh, but I can’t have my man bleeding into his lunch,” Janey said as she reached to dab the handkerchief on the cleft of his chiseled chin. The blood absorbed quickly into the cloth, but she kept dabbing at his face, letting her long fingers linger on the dimple below the mouth…and oh, that mouth, so full and fleshy, and enticing. Dare she lean closer with her lips and…?

“Oh, the hell with lunch, Janey.  Having you this close to me makes me want to...”

“Yes, Paul, yes,” Janey said, feeling her own chest start to heave as her breathing quickened.

“It makes me want to tell you all the things I want to do…with this country.”

“Oh!” Janey said, pulling back from him.

“Yes, I want to slash welfare and make people go to work again…”

“Oh, Paul!”

“And I want to slash Pell grants so college bound kids can borrow the cost of higher education from their parents!" Paul’s voice rose as his breathing became more audible and rapid.

“But, Paul, you forget,” Janey explained, “I’m a college professor. If you cut Pell Grants, there will be fewer students in college classrooms. And if there are no students, then I may lose my job.”

“Oh, Janey,” Paul said, “Let’s not argue about what could be!" Then, in one smooth swoop, he reached down, grasped Janey behind her knees and swept her up into his arms.

“Oh, Paul!” Janey shrieked, “Careful, you might start frothing at the mouth again!”

“I don’t care! The thought of gutting social programs arouses the entrepreneurial venture capitalist inside of me! It gets me…hot!” Then he carried Janey slowly towards…the bedroom!

“Janey,” he said, “Have I told you lately…”

“Yes, Paul? Yes?” she said, barely able to control her breathing now.

“…how I want to slowly privatize Medicare by offering vouchers?”

“Um, no, Paul…” and they disappeared into the darkness of the bedroom.

*Just kidding, Janey!

(EDITOR'S NOTE:  Join us next week when Arteejee Meets the Conservatives of Pulchritude. Here is a preview:

Arteejee:  Sarah! Nicki! Ann! Let me just say "Helloooooo ladies!”

Sarah Palin, Nicki Haley and Ann Coulter [in unison]: "Ewwwwwwwwwww!!!!")

(Thank you for reading! Talking vouchers in a darkened bedroom? Wow, what a buzz kill!)


Anonymous Janey said...

WHEW! I was getting mighty hot and oh so close to...!!!

Here's how the saga ended: Once in the bedroom, Janey's girlish, come-hither demeanor changed without warning (as Janey's moods so often do). Upon realizing she was dealing with an evil (yet hunky) conservative who wanted to cut Pell Grants,and in doing so, imperil her job and the education of America's future, Janey suddenly flipped over Paul and said, "Now you're my bitch!" Paul was made to perform the unprintable acts of a sex slave, and when Janey was done having her way -- again and again and again -- Paul Ryan disappeared from the planet (as Janey's boyfriends so often do).

Moral of our tale: Conservatives, DO NOT FUCK WITH JANEY! Let this story guide you all as you enter the voting booth on Tuesday.

Epilogue: Janey was elected President of the United States in a landslide write-in vote. RTG was appointed Vice President (which he later declared to be "not worth a pitcher of warm Bombay gin". Editor AMG was appointed Secretary of State, and went on to win the Nobel Peace Prize. All wars ended, all diseases were cured, and the marijuana plants blossomed freely in yards of newly and legally married gay couples. Janey screwed each of the five Romney boys, who then also disappeared from the planet. RTG wrote a biography of President Janey, for which he won a Pultizer Prize. Janey retired to her mountaintop pot farm on a remote tropical island, accompanied by her longtime companion, 29-year-old former adult film star, Lance Long. The world is a much different and better place due to Janey's leadership, vision, and eradication of conservatives (except a few female hotties favored by RTG).

November 1, 2012 at 8:27 PM  
Anonymous arteejee said...

Oh Janey! Leave it to you to take something warm and beautiful and turn it into a vaguely tasteless exercise in sado-masochistic porn! I love it! I especially like the part about me winning the Pultizer. Bring on my conservative sex slaves!

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