Snort Notes: September 2012

(EDITOR'S NOTE: The following is a totally Mitt-Romney-free entry…um, except for this sentence.)

WASHINGTON NATIONALS GIVE DC ITS FIRST BASEBALL POST-SEASON IN 79 YEARS

The Nationals “nattitude” all season long has paid off as the baseball franchise is giving Washington its first taste of a baseball post-season since 1933. As a Phillies fan - who is more bemused than bitter at the prospect of the Nationals going to the World Series - I must point out that Washington didn’t field any baseball team at all for 34 of those 79 post-season-free seasons. Maybe my point throws cold water on the franchise’s excitement…but so be it.

The whole situation makes me believe that at least one Nat player is thankful for playing for the team this year: Jayson Werth. The former Phillie must be grateful to his former franchise for trading him away to a potential World Series contender in 2010, even though he was leaving a team that was trying for another World Series appearance. Well, now the cleats are on the other shoe; Werth gets to play post-season games and the rest of the Phillies get to schedule their tee times on the golf course.

Werth is the focal point of some controversy at the moment here in Philadelphia. The local fans are outraged that Werth faked threw a ball to some kids in the stands when the Nats played the Phils this past week. Werth later justified not releasing the ball - he perceived that there were some unruly middle-aged fans behind the kids who might grab the ball instead of the children - and threw the ball into his dugout.  

Okay, so the kids were obviously disappointed. Prognosis: they will survive to be disappointed another day, and if they’re Phillies fans, disappointment is a certainty. Really, people? This is something to get outraged about, with high unemployment and a federal government paralyzed by a do-nothing Congress? Dear Phillies fans (especially you, Anne Marie) we had a great five years at the top, but it’s time for us to regroup. We’ll be on top again, someday. I just hope it’s not 79 years like Washington, but, you know…someday.

INDEPENDENT LUKOIL DEALERS STAGE ONE DAY PROTEST AGAINST THE CORPORATE MAN

Independent dealers for LukOil in south New Jersey raised their prices for one day to protest the high wholesale prices their corporate bosses charge them. Many drivers must have thought it was a joke when they saw that the prices were posted at $9.99/gallon! It was no joke, but the dealers cautioned drivers that they weren’t serious either; they stopped drivers from using their pumps for the duration of their “protest” and handed out fliers explaining to customers the reason for their gripe. It’s doubtful that the action raised any concerns at the LukOil corporate offices.

Still, there must be some validity to the dealer’s complaints. LukOil has an odd business model. It allows some independent outlets to shut down for months at a time, before they mysteriously reopen like nothing ever happened. One near me has been closed for over a year, with the exception of a few days in early summer, before it closed again. How the hell do you maintain a credible business bond with your customers when they can’t from one day to the next if you’ll be open?

I may be profiling here, but I’ll suggest that the oddity of their business may be rooted in the fact that LukOil is owned by Russians. I’m not implying that Russians are lousy business people, but, let’s face it, they spent the better part of the last century in communism. That’s communism, as in non-capitalistic. Perhaps they are still trying to get the hang of this capitalist business theory. Just a thought….

SINGER ANDY WILLIAMS DIES

Williams succumbed to cancer at his home in the wholesome family entertainment capital of Branson, Missouri. One of my earliest childhood memories is hearing his rendition of Moon River as I rode a carousel in the Hunting Park section of Philadelphia. The carousel closed decades ago, but Williams performances will live on. 

 

I also remember watching his variety show where he often hosted the Osmond Brothers. Johnny Cash introduced his hit A Boy Named Sue on the Andy Williams show; and the weekly running gag involved a bear who always asked for a cookie. The request was always denied - inexplicably - by Willams himself with the phrase “Not now, not ever, never!”

The gag was the only time I can recall Williams raising his temper, although one of his obituaries quoted his memoirs as stating that Williams would yell at the television whenever he saw another performer dare to perform Moon River. Williams considered it “his” song. This anecdote got me thinking about what would have happened if Elvis Presley had ever given Andy Williams lessons in handling his television.  

Submitted for your approval:  Elvis starts the lesson by explaining, “Andy, you shouldn’t yell at your television. Yelling is childish. Here, this is what I do when I feel like the television is getting the better of me. You see here, you take a Magnum .45 in one hand, and one of my patented peanut butter and banana sandwiches in the other. Then you alternate between the two; eat your sandwich, shoot the tv! Bite, shoot (BLAM); chew, shoot (BLAM), then repeat as necessary.” I can also see Williams graciously thanking the King for his lesson and explaining that blowing away electronic appliances was just not his style.

Or maybe Williams was kidding in his memoirs about yelling at the television, which blows my Elvis theory apart, but oh well!

In any case I think it’s time that we let the bear have a cookie.

Rest in peace, Mr. Williams.

(Thank you for reading. Seriously, the bear looks like it hasn’t eaten anything in forty years. Somebody give him a cookie!)