Greetings from Ft. Lee, New Jersey

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Submitted for your approval, an angry letter from a New Jersey resident to his state’s leadership and our perception of how that leadership will respond.  Bon appetite!)

To Whom It May Concern:

I need to protest most vehemently about the awful traffic situation here in my hometown. Everyday normal traffic going into the city is absolutely insane. But then someone decided to block a few entrance lanes of the George Washington Bridge a few months ago and it caused absolute chaos! Rumor has it that someone in Trenton authorized this traffic deviation as part of a study. Is this true?

Mr. Richard Feder

Fort Lee, NJ

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Dear Mr. Feder:

Thank you for your recent correspondence. I know normally you would receive a response from my trusted adviser, Roseanne Rosannadanna.   

Unfortunately, Ms. Rosannadanna went to that Great Newsroom in the Sky 25 years ago, but I will be more than happy to address your concerns in her place.

I will explain the massive screw-up that happened in your town in a moment, but first I need to bring your attention to a more fundamental problem: the fact that you are living in Fort Lee, NJ. Oh sure, it may be the gateway to the Empire State, but it is still Fort Lee, or (as my trusted advisers around the office refer to it) that stinkin’ hellhole of a Democratic enclave.

Can we talk? Your town is ruled by a guy that didn’t even support me in the last election! Now I’ve been knocking my brains out for the last four years making nice with the Democrats, shaking their greasy hands…hell, I even gave a freakin’ man hug to the President of the United States! And you don’t think I didn’t catch hell for that from my fellow conservatives? Not to mention that I felt dirty for days on end afterward…

Imagine, I go out of my way to act civil to the other side and shed my schoolyard bully image, and this is the thanks I get? Let’s be fair about this! What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Look Mr. Feder, I know you and the people of Fort Lee have suffered for your mayor’s sins, but hey, the guy dissed me! My people couldn’t let that go unanswered. I want to let you know that I had nothing to do with the so-called “traffic study” that someone in my office may have approved as an act of political retribution. And when I say I had nothing to do with it, I mean that none of the reporters who are poring over thousands of pages of documents have yet to find my name linked to your inconvenience. And when they do find my name, I mean if they find my name, rest assured that I will take drastic steps to point my finger at another member of my staff and make them fall on the sword for me.

Hey, let’s face it, your traffic issue was nothing more than that: an inconvenience, a minor interruption in your life. This can’t even begin to compare with your fellow New Jerseyians who lost everything to Superstorm Sandy. Now I have heard a story that the traffic snafu in your town last fall caused massive gridlock, which prevented emergency vehicles from transporting critically ill people to hospitals for treatment. I have heard that one of these people, a 91 year old woman, later died. While I sympathize with her family’s loss, I hasten to point out that this is something many 91 year olds do: they die! That doesn’t make it my fault, does it?

I cannot believe the whining I have had to listen to from you people in Fort Lee over this whole thing! It disgusts me! I haven’t been this repulsed since I was at a dinner party at Roger Ailes’ house a few years ago when Rush Limbaugh walked in.  And you know it was a very hot day, and Rush was wearing one of his polo shirts, but even that wasn’t cool enough for him that day. I mean he was sweating like a pig! And by pig, I mean his underarm sweat stains reached all the way down to his waist! And wouldn’t you know it, the last empty chair at the table was next to me! So Rush sits down and I could feel the moisture come through his sleeve and soak right through my clothes as he squeezed himself into his seat and up against my shoulder.

It made me sick! I stayed quiet for a few minutes, but finally I had to stand up and yell, “Yo Rush! Your sweat is making me sick! Why don’t go upstairs, take a cold shower and slip into a dry… 

  

Oh, sorry, I got off subject. We were talking about your little problem. Well, deal with it! Man up! Grow a pair! Suck it up!

Better yet, get your ass out of Fort Lee. God, I’m tired of you whiners!

Sincerely,

Your Governor

(Thank you for reading. Posted in loving memory of Roseanne Rosannadanna, Lisa Loopner, Emily Litella, and especially Gilda Radner.   Ladies, we miss all of you!)