Top Nine Reasons I Haven’t Written Lately*

9.  I can’t get comfortable long enough in my computer chair to craft witticisms for my blog.

8.  My cat (not the affable brown tabby, and not the skittish grey one, but the psychotic black and white one. Yeah, her!) is fond of laying on the computer table where the keyboard should be and I don’t have the heart/nerve to upset her fragile kitty psyche and risk personal injury to remove her from said table so I can craft witticisms for my blog.

7.  My best idea today is to pick out a glaring plot misstep from an episode of Batman (circa 1967) in which Chief O’Hara tries to stop a solid gold tank driven by the Penguin by blocking the street with his squad car. The Penguin escapes and leaves a flatter than a pancake Gotham City police car in his wake. Poor Chief O’Hara! But, WHAT’S THIS? The Dynamic Duo lift the flattened vehicle and Chief O’Hara emerges unscathed from a neatly dug square hole in the middle of the street, a neatly dug square hole that DIDN’T EXIST TEN SECONDS AGO!!! “Holy lucky holes, Batman!” “No time for dialogue to explain that plot hole now, Robin! We must follow that fiendish foul fowl fugitive from justice.” And see, that idea was only good for a paragraph!

6.  My muse is distraught that her pet squirrel, Perry, drowned in my pool. 

5.  Scratch that last one. My muse does not have a pet squirrel, but Perry should have learned to swim before he tried out his water skis.

4.  I can’t focus on any one subject long enough to write, let alone…ooh, look at that blue jay at the feeder.

3.  Okay. I’m fresh out of dead squirrel jokes.

2.  Oh, I have an idea! I…I…oh crap! It’s gone! And there’s that blue jay again!

1.  Sarah Palin has not said or done anything stupid in weeks! I wonder if she’s feeling okay?

*Not that I can’t think of one more to make an even ten, but David Letterman owns “Top Ten” and he has really good lawyers!

(Thank you for reading. Seriously, Sarah, call us!)