A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Friday, April 14, 2017

God and Son: Just Another Friday in Spring

And now time once again for the most blasphemous show in the blogosphere: God and Son!

(Cheesy situation comedy theme music up with studio audience applause.)

Jesus:  What?  That Pilate is a nut!

God: Good Morning, Son.   What is that you have in your hand?

Jesus:   It’s my I Phone, Father.   I’m just reading the latest Twitter feed from Pontius Pilate.   Get this:  @PontiuePilate, Jesus and his followers believe they have the secret to living an ever-lasting life.  LAME!

God:  Um, where did you get such a device in your area of the world? 

Jesus:  One of my disciples gave it to me.  I think it was Judas.  (Beep sound.)  Now what?   Oh, you won’t believe this tweet, Father:  @PontiusPilate: stories about Jesus feeding multitudes with bread and fish.  Another Jesus hoax!

God:  Wow, he’s really letting you have it. Wait a minute, how can you even possess such a device that gives you these messages?  Doesn’t it require some sort of, you know, technology?

Jesus: Yes, I guess so.

God: Okay, and does this technology currently exist in 32 AD? 

Jesus:  Well, um, no.   I thought this device was another one of your miracles.

God: Oh, right!  Yes, this is my most advanced miracle yet.  Carry on. (Another beep.)

Jesus:  What now…oh, this is unbelievable. Get this, Father.  @PontiusPilate: Jesus should just mind his own business and let the money changers run the temple. All of this self-righteous talk about salvation.  SAD.  This kind of rhetoric really makes me angry.  I should go and talk to Pilate about his thinking.

God: Um, yes, you do that, son.  You’ll be right on schedule…

Jesus: What?  What do you mean right on schedule?

God:  Well, you actually do have an appointment with him, right?

Jesus: I do?

God: Yes, check your calendar on your miracle device.

Jesus:  Okay, I just swipe left and, oh here it is, Friday.  Wow!  I have a full schedule!   Audience with Pilate, arrest, arraignment, torture, trial and in the afternoon death by crucifixion.   Wait a minute…Father, what month is this?

God:  Month?   I don’t know; months have been invented yet. 

Jesus: You don’t know what month it is?  I thought you were an omniscient deity.

God: Oh, excuse me, prophet with a device that won’t exist for two thousand years! (Awkward pause with some thunder in the background.)  Look, I do know that it is spring time, when the earth renews itself.

Jesus:  Oh, right.  The earth renews itself and you get another chance to demonstrate your greatest miracle…everlasting life.  (A beep.)  Now what…oh, great!   @Pontius Pilate: just ordered soldiers to arrest Jesus.

God:  Well, at least you’re getting advanced warning this year.

(Troops marching in the distance.)

Jesus: Cursed future technology!  

Roman Soldier: Jesus of Nazareth?   You are under arrest by order of the Emperor of Judea, Pontius Pilate.

Jesus:  Yeah, fine.  Just give me a minute to tweet this.   @JesusChrist: Hey Pilate!  You suck!

God: Whoa, son!  Language!

(Applause and cheesy music up and out.)

(Thank you for reading.   Remember to tweet responsibly.)


Blogger Raybeard said...

This version is about as credible as the Gospels themselves - and much more entertaining.

As a result of my daily Bible readings (since about 55 years now) I'm now settling on the notion that J.C. (a real historical figure, I'm sure) was simply delusional, though perhaps unlikely to have been unaware of it himself. That seems to make more sense than other approaches. Hardly original, I know.

April 15, 2017 at 1:38 AM  
Anonymous Mary Magdalene, The Whore (yeah, I fucked Jesue -- you gotta problem with that?) said...

I smoked a lot of pot and drank a bottle of wine last night -- were you here with me partaking, RTG? And if not, why not? And if not, what WERE you doing to inspire such entertaining blasphemy? ;-)

April 15, 2017 at 7:36 AM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Thank you, Raybeard. I had not thought about the credibility of the Gospels, but you do raise a good point.

Good Morning,Mary/Janey. Sorry I was not there to help you drink your wine. I think I had a bottle of beer last night. I know, boring!

April 15, 2017 at 8:03 AM  

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