Sunday Morning Post (V.1, #33): So, You Want to Own a Liberal

Dear Conservative Republican Politician/Pundit/Commentator/Spineless Party Faithful:

Recently a few of you who identify as conservative types have done things which you believe will anger those who identify as your political philosophical opposite: the liberal. You patronize a restaurant or some other business which openly admits to not supporting liberal causes, then brag in social media that you did it just to “own a liberal”.  Your action was performed not so much to actually partake of a service or product, but rather just to spite your fellow countryman.

Whatever!

In any case, congratulations on your acquisition of a liberal!   We don’t care whether your acquiring a fellow human being was legally performed by adoption or marriage or an outright cash purchase.  Please keep in mind that a purchase of a human being for the purposes of servitude or other immoral means is most likely considered a felony offense in all 50 states.  But hey, if you want to disregard the American Constitution and the concept of morality in general, then hey why should we care?

CARE AND FEEDING OF YOUR LIBERAL

Typically, your liberal should be treated as you would treat any other human being. Seriously.  Keep your liberal in an adequate shelter (chained to a small lean to in a backyard cage is NOT considered adequate), fed and watered properly.  The typical liberal diet can range from the traditional 50s America meat and potatoes fare to the vegan and vegetarian choices. Water is their main source of sustenance — again in keeping with the typical human being — but you may want to slip them the occasional mixed alcoholic libation once in a while.  Emily Post would not recommend a cosmopolitan every so often, but we will recommend it. 

Stereotypically, your liberal will subscribe or is supposed to subscribe to certain habits and rituals.  Your liberal may be saddened or express depression when exposed or confronted with typical human behaviors such as inflicting pain, unjustifiable incarceration, hunger, pestilence and other manners of suffering on fellow human beings.  At times like these it may be necessary to calm your liberal with a promise to do something to alleviate the suffering of the human race with an empty gesture of offering money or resources.  This should pacify your liberal for a while.  Your promise can be empty for all you care, and honestly, we don’t expect Conservatives to do anything to alleviate human suffering.

Now on to a very sore subject that makes your liberal feisty and cranky: guns.  Conservatives are continually told that the (stereo) typical liberal would love to take your gun away from you.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Liberals will not admit this, but truth be told they would not know what to do with the estimated 321 million firearms in this country even if they could take them away.  Also, the whole process of collecting these devices from every gun owner in America would be too costly and time consuming.  The Arteejee Institute of Sociological Research estimates that the process of confiscating firearms would take — and this is a conservative estimate — 700 years.

Granted, the discipline of mathematics has never been our strongest area of expertise here at the Institute, but in any event, we should agree that we all have better things to do with our lives than to disarm a gun-happy citizenry.

There is the wide spread notion in America that a liberal would not know what to do with a gun if you handed one to him.  Our advice is: don’t hand any device capable of sending any projectile at high velocity with the purpose of damaging any person, place or thing to your liberal.   Any such action can cause damage to your liberal or to yourself.

Besides, it will void the warranty. 

We also strongly advise against the Conservative fantasy of making “liberal heads explode.”   We hasten to remind you that such action could be considered homicide and as such considered a felony in all 50 states.

Warning to Conservatives: you violate these statutes and any other law spelled out in the American Constitution at your peril.

So good luck to you and your liberal!

(Thank you for reading.  To quote “1776” “We may see murder yet!”)