Out in the Cold Today

QUOTE FOR TODAY: Big government is not the problem. Small government is not the problem. Foolish government is the problem.

Announcer: And now it's time to play "Out in the Cold with You" with your host, Joey Brownie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOUD APPLAUSE

Brownie: Thank you, Johnny, and welcome everyone to "Out In The Cold With You" where our contestants vie for the basic necessities of life. Let's bring out our first contestant today.

LOUD APPLAUSE

Brownie: And you are?

Contestant: Lamont Lavoissier, Lower Ninth Ward, New Orleans.

Brownie: And what do you do for a living, Lamont?

Contestant: Well, nothing at the moment. I had to leave the city when Katrina hit; before that I had a sweet gig on the Moonwalk…

Brownie: Um, I mean your day job.

Contestant: Huh, oh you mean, legit? I shine shoes.

Brownie: And why do you want to play "Out in the Cold with You?"

Contestant: Well, I've been living in a hotel courtesy of FEMA…

Brownie (interrupting): Our proud sponsor!

Contestant: Um, right. Well, I just got evicted from the hotel because FEMA isn’t paying for it anymore. And I applied for a trailer months ago, but I ain't got nothin' yet. And I don't have money for my own place and I can't find a job near where I'm at, so I need shelter and I need it now!

Brownie: Well, then, let's get right to our wheel!

LOUD APPLAUSE

Brownie: As you know, our wheel has all the basic necessities of life. We have space for food, shelter, clothing, water, and jobs. As you can see, we also have a few penalty spaces marked zero, zilch, nothing, bupkis, and military service. You win the prize that is in the space where the wheel stops. Are you ready to play? (Contestant nods his head) Then spin the wheel, Lamont!

Wheel: Spin, spin, spin…

Buzzer sounds…

Brownie: Oh, I'm sorry! The wheel stopped at bupkis! You don't get the trailer, you don’t get the food, you don’t get…

Contestant: Yeah, I get it! I get it!

Brownie: But wait, we do have a wonderful parting gift for you. What has he won, Johnny?

Announcer: He's won a lifetime supply of cracked ice chips to make all the Hurricanes he can drink!

Contestant: Don’t say hurricane…

Announcer: All courtesy of FEMA!

LOUD APPLAUSE

Contestant: You can turn off that applause, it’s annoying.

Brownie: Now, now, don't be a sore loser! Remember that your ice can be found in any one of the dozen tractor-trailers that FEMA has trucked around the country for the victims of Katrina. I believe the trucks are now in Allentown, Pennsylvania, or could it be Arkansas, or is it North Dakota? Anyway, I'm not really sure where they are because I work for FEMA! And thanks for playing “Out in the Cold with You!”