Response to The Iranian People, Or Why I Didn’t Choose International Diplomacy As A Career

Dear Noble Iranians:

I read your leader’s letter to the American people last week and I felt someone should respond to it. His letter was written in very polite, diplomatic terms and, I must admit, he gave a number of good, compelling arguments for an alliance between the people, the everyday citizens, the common folk of our two countries. However, his arguments were only good up to a point.

Your leader realizes that the ordinary American citizen does desire peace and justice in the world. This is totally true. Ask any American on the street about these ideals and they will agree that all citizens of the world should share these goals.

Your leader also says many uncomplimentary things about America’s current leadership. Sadly, I must agree with many of his assessments about the Bush administration. Granted, his sour outlook towards the White House may stem from their non-response to the letter he sent to them. I don’t know if Bush’s people even read his letter. Now, if it’s a case that they wrote on it “Return to Sender”, and sent it back unopened, then I agree that was cold. He has every right to feel slighted, which is probably why he took his case directly to us, the American people.

Then your leader starts in on the Zionists, and how they are the common enemy to both Iran and America. Okay, now he’s crossing over into “Mein Kampf” territory, and this is where I have to raise some objections. I realize that over the last few thousand years there have been some conflict between the Arab world and the Jews. While you may point out that the Jews raise their children to kill all the Arabs, we should be fair and ask you, do you raise your children to greet the Jews with a handshake and a smile? I didn’t think so. Here again my philosophy of life applies, “Nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong.”*

So, dear noble Iranians, as you can see we do have many things in common. We share a common interest in peace and justice for all. We also share the fact that both of our countries are led by a couple of total horses asses!

Let’s face it, they are both delusional megalomaniacs with arrogant visions of individual grandeur and glory. Perhaps we should think about pitting them in a contest against each other, so that they can iron out their differences in a constructive, albeit aggressively physical, manner. Yes, I’m thinking of a large venue for this match – perhaps the Coliseum ruins in Rome – and offer it as a pay-per-view event for the international television audience. Proceeds raised from the event could go to ease the suffering of refugees worldwide. Choice of weapons could be decided later at the United Nations – after all what else are THEY doing these days – but my personal choice for a weapon would be aluminum baseball bats.

The good news, dear noble Iranians, is that our leader will have to leave office in a few years. At that point we’ll put someone else in his place. We can’t promise you that his replacement will be any better than our current leader, but it would be a start.

That would leave the ball in your court. It would be very helpful if you could replace your current leader with one who truly believes in peace and justice for the world, while of course looking out for your best interests. Naturally, I’m not telling you what to do. After all, you are a sovereign nation and all that, and you deserve to guide your own country’s destiny as you see fit.

I hope you will see my words of advice for what they are, merely suggestions from an American concerned with the welfare of our respective countries. I should point out here that we Americans have a reputation for spreading democracy all over the world. Just look at the wonderful things we’re doing to Iraq!

Enough said?

*Stills, Stephen. “For What It’s Worth”.