A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The Conservative's Nightmare

Little Ann woke up crying one night, and she sat up in her bed. Her room was dark, and the air seemed cold. She jumped down from her bed, clutched her Ronald Reagan Teddy Bear to her chest, and ran down the hall to her parents’ bedroom. When she got there, her parents weren’t there, and so she ran to the end of the hall and down the stairs into the living room. There she saw a familiar figure in her father’s easy chair, keeping himself warm by the fire.

“Uncle Rush!” Ann exclaimed, “I’ve had a bad dream!”

“That’s too bad, Ann!” Uncle Rush answered, “Climb up here and tell me all about it!”

Ann climbed up on her uncle’s knee, pulled her nightshirt down over her knees, folded her long legs underneath her, and let her long blonde hair fall over her shoulders. Uncle Rush put his arm around her and patted her on the arm.

“Now, what’s wrong?”

“Well, I heard the news yesterday about Alberto leaving, and Uncle Karl is leaving next week, and a lot of people are saying nasty things about the President, and I dreamt that all the liberals were in the streets singing and dancing, and giving each other high-fives and they were happy! And it made me very sad.”

“I know, I know. Happy liberals make me sad too,” Uncle Rush said, “But you know, honey, they may be happy today, but they will be miserable tomorrow.”

“Really?” Ann said hopefully.

“Of course! They just played their partisan political games and it seems as if they have the upper hand now. But don’t you fret! Someday, the conservatives will be back in power and the shoe will be on the other foot. Then we’ll be the ones dancing in the streets!”

“But what about Alberto? He had integrity and he was smart he can’t serve the public anymore,” Ann whimpered.

“I know it doesn’t seem fair, but he’ll be okay. I’ve been thinking about hiring him to work in my garden...until he gets on his feet again.”

“Really? Oh boy! It’ll be so nice to have Alberto living here with us! Uncle Rush, when will Mom and Dad come home?”

“Oh, I don’t really know, Ann. They’re out fighting the terrorists for you and me. They may be gone a long time. You may even be all grown up and have children of your own before they come home.”

“I miss them,” Ann said, “I wish they could come home soon!”

“Now, now, missy. I’ll have none of that liberal talk in my house,” Uncle Rush replied as he choked on his prescription pain medication and a glass of water.


“Your parents will come home when their job is done. In the meantime, I’ll be here to protect you from the terrorists, and the liberals, and the gays with their agenda, and the feminazis, and all those other bleeding hearts that would make our world less safe to live in.”

“Thank you, Uncle Rush,” Ann yawned, “I feel sleepy again.”

“Good! Now just do what I do when I go to sleep. Imagine you’re in a field with a lot of little lambs. Now you name all the lambs in that field until you’re fast asleep. Do you remember what they’re names are?”


“That’s right, Ditto! Now start naming them.”

Ann closed her eyes and said the words, “Ditto...ditto...ditto...” until she was fast asleep.


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