A Letter to the Glorious Haliburton

Dear Haliburton:

Earlier this year, your company made a charge of $900 on my mother’s credit card. This was highly unusual, since my mother doesn’t normally order merchandise from a multi-conglomerate defense contractor such as you. It was also unusual because, at the time of purchase, my mother was staying at a nursing facility where she was recovering from hip surgery. My family determined that this was a fraudulent purchase.

Please don’t worry about my mother. She is doing better, although the charge was a shock to her poor old liberal heart. I should explain that she doesn’t realize the vital service your company performs in the war against terror. She has read the accounts in the liberal press about how there has been very little oversight and accounting for the money spent on the war in Iraq. Unfortunately, your company was named in several of these reports — erroneously no doubt — as possibly overcharging the Bush Administration for the war.

I myself have seen these reports, but I am not one to instantly believe everything I see printed in the press. In fact, I saw one estimate the other day that the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq might cost this country $1.5 trillion! My, wars are getting so expensive anymore! I’m sure it’s all tied into the price of gasoline at the pumps. After all, our tanks and ships can’t be expected to run on water. Right?

I’m sure that your company will get a large chunk of this business because you’ve proven yourself invaluable to our country in her hour of need. You’ll probably receive $1.3 trillion of this amount, but I’m confident that you will have earned every penny before these wars are over. Obviously, the Bush Administration trusts you enough to hand over a blank check and allow you to fill in whatever denominations you see fit. I know your company has worked hard to gain and maintain this trust. As you can see, I am very skeptical about all these reports of Haliburton ripping off our government.

In any event, my mother is fine, and her credit card company has made the necessary adjustments to her account. It is now up to us to make things right and return the merchandise that you mistakenly shipped to my mother. This is to notify you that we are sending back said merchandise under separate cover:

9" paper plates (scalloped edging) 2 @ $325,
Plastic ware – knife, fork, spoon 1 pack @ $250.

Unfortunately, one of my cats got hold of the plastic wrapping around the utensils and chewed up the napkin that was included with the set. I apologize for this mishap.

Thank you for the service you perform in the name of patriotism.

PS – My mother and I would like you to pass our warmest regards to Dark Lord Cheney. Thanks!