A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Friday, April 25, 2008

Seven Hours

A recent study estimated that an average man adds seven hours of work per week to the workload of the average woman. I’m not going to say that this sounds like another ridiculous stereotype blanket thrown over the entire male gender. I won’t even speculate as to why Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopolous didn’t hold Barack Obama responsible for this finding. I will say that it’s about time the male gender got props for centuries of slovenly laziness.

This study demonstrates to me that all those billions of dirty socks and soiled underwear that we have left in our wake were not dropped in vain. We mustn’t forget the trillions of empty beer cans that were picked up or the ashtrays emptied over the years. Added together, along with all the times we go into hiding whenever our mates are looking for the trash to be taken out, and we can see that men are finally getting the recognition they deserve.

At the same time, this finding should be a red flag to all women who are unattached and looking for that special someone with whom to spend the rest of their lives. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with finding a special love that will last a lifetime, but sadly many women go into relationships with their expectations too high. First, you must consider the time factor. Many young women are career-minded professionals concerned with forging a way in the working world. This task alone can take anywhere from 40 to 60 hours per week, not including time spent traveling back and forth to the workplace.

Next, consider the time for sleeping – you’ll need at least 8 hours of beauty rest per night to perform well on the job. Then allow time for all of your other activities – exercise, personal hygiene, socializing with your girlfriends and/or hobbies. Add all these up and see if you have any time remaining each day to devote to the lazy slob, I mean man of your dreams. Remember that many members of the male gender are high maintenance and seven hours should be considered a minimum amount of time spent on their care and well being.

Of course, there are other things you may need to know when bringing your prospective mate home for the first time. One tip is to make sure you set his carrier down near the television and refrigerator (stocked full of beer of course) so that he knows where they are when he needs them, or needs to tell you by pointing and grunting at what he desires. However, that is a subject for another blog.

So, ladies, the next time you’re seated at a bar in a small college town, and looking over the available stock (who in turn are definitely looking you over) keep this study in mind. While you may only be thinking of the short term – a friend, a companion, or even “hooking up” for the night, bear in mind that the long term could mean an endless trail of dirty socks and empty beer cans. Also, one last warning about the handsome, chiseled hunks you may find at these bars.

You know the ones to which I’m referring to - posed in those fantasy calendars vacuuming a room, dusting furniture, or cooking while wearing an apron where their loincloth should be and smiling - these guys are fakes! Frauds, actors, and God only knows they may be gay! You may be better off with the computer nerd type with zero social skills, or the short squatty type (like moi) who developed skills in the kitchen because they couldn’t find a woman to do it for them...

EDITOR'S NOTE: We’re ending this entry here. Apparently Mr. Gunther still has issues about dating from 25 years ago that he needs to resolve. Next week in this space, we’ll make fun of Ben Stein and his school boy knickers.


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