A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

My Photo
Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

There Will Be Greed

Time for another chapter of historical theory. If the recent congressional testimony by the American oil company executives was reported accurately in the media, then we can probably surmise that a recent meeting with their public relations consultant went something like this.

"Good morning, gentlemen. As you all know, my name is Dick Scroowem with Public Relations Disaster, Inc., and you’ve asked me to meet with you about your upcoming appearance before Congress. I realize that you are under a lot or pressure, again, to explain the obscene profits that your companies are raking in at the expense of the American consumer.

"Our past campaigns have sought to make the public understand that any profits you make are reinvested back into the industry. We’ve explained that you use this money to explore and find more sources of oil. We’ve also promoted your programs to make fuels cleaner for the environment. Last, but not least, there is your research and development of alternative fuel sources – ethanol, sun, wind, and so on.

"Unfortunately, the American public is not buying any of this. All they know is that every time they go to fill up at the pump, your greedy little fists are reaching further and further into their pockets. That’s why I’m proposing a new campaign for you to debut in your joint appearance before Congress. I’m calling it The Hell With It campaign!

"Remember when you testified in Congress years ago about rising fuel costs? You sat there and laughed at the members of the committee when they suggested that you do something about the price of gasoline! The news cameras caught it on tape and they flashed it across America on the evening news. That image, gentlemen, was a stroke of genius! It showed courage in the face of your harshest critics. It showed that you know what you’re doing and that they know nothing! I want you to expand on that idea as we start this new campaign.

"You’re not in the oil business to be liked! You’re in the oil business to make money today, and come back to make even more money tomorrow! The hell with what the consumer thinks! After all, this is capitalism in its finest hour. Don’t let anyone bother you about ethics or morals. You have a divine right to that wealth. Remember the end of There Will Be Blood, when Daniel Day-Lewis bashes out the brains of the Christian evangelist who demands more money for his flock? There’s your morals, gentlemen! Keep this in mind when they question you about your business.

"Now you have run a few suggestions past me and I’ll be very honest with you. The idea to moon the committee – while it is in keeping with our theme of contempt – would violate the decorum to which Congress is entitled. On the other hand, dancing in a conga line around the room while tossing $100 bills in the air is more acceptable. It will also make good footage on the evening news.

"Gentlemen, I can’t stress enough how vital this campaign is to your cause. You mustn’t back down! Take a lesson from those candy-ass wusses at Wal-Mart. They were pursuing that disabled woman who won a $500,000 settlement in her car accident case. Let me remind you that she signed a subrogation agreement. They had a right to get that money back, but they reversed themselves! They were worried about bad public relations, and that it might hurt their business. Oh, boo-hoo! How pathetic! I nearly puked when I heard the news!

"Stand together, gentlemen, and you’ll keep your tax breaks and your profits! Good luck and may greed be with you! Now, please excuse me, I’m late for a meeting with Absolut Vodka!”


Post a Comment

<< Home