Short Notes – January 2009
It’s time to take stock of the following unusual events in our world.
MR AND MRS TODD PALIN, WASILLA AK, WISH TO ANNOUNCE THE ARRIVAL OF THEIR FIRST GRANDCHILD, A BOY, ON DECEMBER 27, 2008
Yes, Bristol has had her baby, the one that all of us nasty liberal bloggers were so skeptical about its existence. Once I saw the initial reports about the birth, I immediately wanted to nominate the parents for the couple most likely to get murdered by their offspring who is saddled with a cruel and unusual moniker. The new baby’s name: Tripp.
(Dear Reader: Please take a moment to pick your jaw up off the floor and re-attach it to your head. Take your time. I’ll wait here.)
Welcome back! Anyway, the child is healthy and will have the advantage of learning societal values from a broad spectrum of influences. For example, consider everything Tripp will learn just from his grandparents. One grandmother runs the state of Alaska, while the other grandmother — pending the outcome of her trial on drug possession charges — could become a guest in one of Alaska’s state pens. Good luck and welcome to the world, Tripp!
MAN IN DELAWARE COUNTY, PA BUYS SEVERAL SHIRTS IN A THRIFT SHOP AND FINDS CUFF LINKS IN ONE OF THE POCKETS. THE PERSONALIZED CLOTHING ACESSORIES HAVE THE NAME “JOSEPH BIDEN” ON THEM. THE MAN HAS TOLD REPORTERS THAT THE VICE PRESIDENT ELECT CAN HAVE THE CUFF LINKS BACK ANYTIME HE WANTS THEM
Well, it’ll be easy to pick out the next Vice President at the inaugural balls. He’ll be the one with loose sleeves while he regales some unfortunate nearby listeners with some of his famous history stories. How about the time FDR got on the television to sooth the nation's fears about the Great Depression? Or how about the Battle of Valley Forge? Oh wait, sorry! The Battle of Valley Forge is one of Newt Gingrich’s history stories.
Sorry, Joe! Have fun at the inaugural and watch your sleeves. Don’t let them sag into the punch bowl or it could get messy.
JOHN LENNON DOES PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS FOR A CHARITY THAT DISTRIBUTES LAPTOP COMPUTERS TO POOR CHILDREN ALL OVER THE WORLD
(Once again, dear reader, I will pause my narrative for you to pick your jaw up off the floor and re-attach it to your head. Take your time. I’ll wait here.)
I don’t see anything wrong with John Lennon wanting to spread knowledge throughout the world, if only he could actually know that he was doing this. The ad is obviously a product of “video and digital manipulation”*, because — news flash, everyone — JOHN LENNON IS STILL DEAD! Yoko approved this????!!!!!
I do find it hard to believe that the organizers of this charity couldn’t scare up a LIVE celebrity to publicize their good intentions. Oh, right, I forgot! All the live celebrities are too busy flaunting their lesbian disc jockey lovers, or divorcing their British film director husbands, or watching their offspring give weird names to the newborn grandchild, or losing their #$&@ cufflinks to give a damn about the computer literacy of poor children.
How about giving them food first! How do you expect them to lift their poor swollen fingers to press ctrl.alt.delete when they haven’t eaten in weeks? How do you know they won’t mistake the keyboard for a tastefully arranged set of miniature candies and try to swallow it whole? As one Chinese fortune cookie once said, “Man learn better on a full stomach.”
*Derekshani, Tirdad. “Imagine: John Lennon in a TV ad”. Sideshow column, The Philadelphia Inquirer, January 2, 2009.
MR AND MRS TODD PALIN, WASILLA AK, WISH TO ANNOUNCE THE ARRIVAL OF THEIR FIRST GRANDCHILD, A BOY, ON DECEMBER 27, 2008
Yes, Bristol has had her baby, the one that all of us nasty liberal bloggers were so skeptical about its existence. Once I saw the initial reports about the birth, I immediately wanted to nominate the parents for the couple most likely to get murdered by their offspring who is saddled with a cruel and unusual moniker. The new baby’s name: Tripp.
(Dear Reader: Please take a moment to pick your jaw up off the floor and re-attach it to your head. Take your time. I’ll wait here.)
Welcome back! Anyway, the child is healthy and will have the advantage of learning societal values from a broad spectrum of influences. For example, consider everything Tripp will learn just from his grandparents. One grandmother runs the state of Alaska, while the other grandmother — pending the outcome of her trial on drug possession charges — could become a guest in one of Alaska’s state pens. Good luck and welcome to the world, Tripp!
MAN IN DELAWARE COUNTY, PA BUYS SEVERAL SHIRTS IN A THRIFT SHOP AND FINDS CUFF LINKS IN ONE OF THE POCKETS. THE PERSONALIZED CLOTHING ACESSORIES HAVE THE NAME “JOSEPH BIDEN” ON THEM. THE MAN HAS TOLD REPORTERS THAT THE VICE PRESIDENT ELECT CAN HAVE THE CUFF LINKS BACK ANYTIME HE WANTS THEM
Well, it’ll be easy to pick out the next Vice President at the inaugural balls. He’ll be the one with loose sleeves while he regales some unfortunate nearby listeners with some of his famous history stories. How about the time FDR got on the television to sooth the nation's fears about the Great Depression? Or how about the Battle of Valley Forge? Oh wait, sorry! The Battle of Valley Forge is one of Newt Gingrich’s history stories.
Sorry, Joe! Have fun at the inaugural and watch your sleeves. Don’t let them sag into the punch bowl or it could get messy.
JOHN LENNON DOES PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS FOR A CHARITY THAT DISTRIBUTES LAPTOP COMPUTERS TO POOR CHILDREN ALL OVER THE WORLD
(Once again, dear reader, I will pause my narrative for you to pick your jaw up off the floor and re-attach it to your head. Take your time. I’ll wait here.)
I don’t see anything wrong with John Lennon wanting to spread knowledge throughout the world, if only he could actually know that he was doing this. The ad is obviously a product of “video and digital manipulation”*, because — news flash, everyone — JOHN LENNON IS STILL DEAD! Yoko approved this????!!!!!
I do find it hard to believe that the organizers of this charity couldn’t scare up a LIVE celebrity to publicize their good intentions. Oh, right, I forgot! All the live celebrities are too busy flaunting their lesbian disc jockey lovers, or divorcing their British film director husbands, or watching their offspring give weird names to the newborn grandchild, or losing their #$&@ cufflinks to give a damn about the computer literacy of poor children.
How about giving them food first! How do you expect them to lift their poor swollen fingers to press ctrl.alt.delete when they haven’t eaten in weeks? How do you know they won’t mistake the keyboard for a tastefully arranged set of miniature candies and try to swallow it whole? As one Chinese fortune cookie once said, “Man learn better on a full stomach.”
*Derekshani, Tirdad. “Imagine: John Lennon in a TV ad”. Sideshow column, The Philadelphia Inquirer, January 2, 2009.
posted by todd gunther | 8:21 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home