Yo! Squeeze My Nose!

Time once again to delve into historical theory where we say “what if this is what really happened” at an event which may become a turning point in our nation’s history. Our speculation is not based on any sworn testimony of the facts, or quotes by an unnamed high-ranking source. In fact, our statements below may be totally fictitious, and may even be contradicted at some point later. We don’t trouble ourselves with the truth here.

That’s why we call it “theory”, okay?

For example, let’s peek into the fateful meeting between President Obama and General Stanley McChrystal after the Rolling Stone magazine published an article about McChrystal’s assignment in Afghanistan and his attitude towards the Commander-in-Chief. It may have happened something like this.

Obama: As you know, I’ve seen an advance copy of the Rolling Stone article, and I didn’t like what I read. I admire you, general, and I appreciate the fact that you voted for me, but we can’t have this kind of insubordinate tone between the military and the civilian leadership. And...you know, I get the feeling that you’re not taking this issue seriously.

General: Oh? What clued you into that idea? Is it my big, fuzzy buttons, or my massively oversized shoes? Oh, maybe it’s my big, red, rubber nose? It makes a funny sound when you squeeze it. Want to go for it?

Obama: Um…I don’t...

General: Come on, Mr. President! Squeeze my nose!

Obama: Let me show you something. Here...it’s a sock filled with tennis balls.

General: Okay, so why are you showing me th-

(THUMP)

General: Ow! Why’d you hit with me that, Mr. President?

Obama: As the saying goes, “Homey don’t play dat!”

Well, that was fun! Let’s do another one! Oh, I know...how about the recent appearance by BP chairman Tony Hayward in front of Congress.

Congressperson: Mr. Hayward, we have found that your company operated with a willful and negligent disregard for the Gulf of Mexico environment in the name of profits. Do you have anything to say in your defense?

Hayward: Yes, I will only say that I’m very distraught about all this damage. Now can I go back to my yacht and get my life back?

Congressperson: Mr. Hayward, we don’t think you’re taking this issue very seriously.

Hayward: Oh? What gave me away? Was it the large fuzzy buttons on my suit, or my oversized shoes? Hey, maybe it's my red, rubber nose? It makes a funny sound when you squeeze it. Come over, squeeze my nose!

Congressperson: Just a moment while I look for my sock filled with tennis balls...

Contempt for authority! It’s here, it’s there, it’s everywhere!

(Thank you for reading. Please remember life is full of clowns, and most of them never make it to the circus!)