arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Friday, August 27, 2010

Sickna – Part 2

Time again for another session with Dr. E. O’Bee, counselor and therapist to bloggers everywhere.

Dr. O’Bee: Now, Mr. and Mrs. Gunther, I understand you had a trying day fighting with your health insurance carrier. Please tell me about it.

Me: We might as well tell you all about it before the trouble begins.

Anne Marie: Well, doctor, I was scheduled to have a colonoscopy this week. I had the surgeon lined up, the facility ready to go, my preliminary lab work done, and I was mentally prepared to go through with it. I don’t like surgeries...any surgeries as a rule, so it takes me some time to get psyched up for it.

Me: Yeah, and I tried to help her get prepared since I’ve already had two colonoscopies. She was worried that the procedure might be painful. I told her, “Dear, you have nothing to worry about. There is no pain whatsoever once they shove the rusty garden claw up your arse.”

Anne Marie: Yes, I was mentally prepared despite his help. The day before the procedure, the hospital calls and says it can’t schedule the surgery because I don’t have any insurance coverage. My carrier, Sickna, (editor's note - company name changed because they’re so stupid they wouldn’t know they’re being ridiculed anyway!) terminated my coverage as of June 30! Nobody told me this until this week! I haven’t had any coverage for six weeks!

Dr. O’Bee: That’s terrible! Then what happened? Please go on!

Me: Go ahead, dear. You might as well tell him the whole story before the trouble begins.

Anne Marie: We spent the whole afternoon trying to get my eligibility fixed. It’s my husband’s policy, and his paycheck has been deducted for a family premium...in other words, BOTH OF US all along. He didn’t drop me from his policy, his company didn’t drop me, so why the hell did Sickna (editor's note – company named changed because we thought it would be worth a giggle!) terminate my coverage? He was on the phone with his human resources department, who was on the phone with the carrier, and I was constantly on the phone with the doctor’s office.

Me: In the end (get it?), the hospital couldn’t schedule the procedure without proof of insurance. I was bummed! They ruined all of my fun! I had it all planned out what I was going to tell the doctor afterward. I had it all thought out that when Anne Marie was wheeled back into the recovery room I would say to the surgeon, “Hey, doc! I think you operated on the wrong end! Weren’t you supposed to do a headectomy on my wife?”

Anne Marie (gritting teeth): Anyway...the operation was canceled because we couldn’t verify that the doctor’s office had received the necessary information to relay to the hospital! We were emotionally exhausted by the end of the day, and it was all for nothing.

Dr. O’Bee: Shocking! So how are you working through your emotions?

Anne Marie: With extreme hatred and rage for his health insurance carrier.

Dr. O’Bee: Um, I don’t know if that is necessarily healthy...

Me: Of course it is! Rage works for us! Hey dear, how many Sickna (editor's note – company name changed because we have issues!) employees can you rip apart with a rusty garden claw?

Anne Marie: I don’t know, but I’d like to find out! (Both laugh.)

Dr. O’Bee: Mr. and Mrs. Gunther, please! This is not good! Why must you always resort to such violent thoughts? Oh, I see our session is over. By the way, your insurance carrier tells me that you don’t have coverage for our counseling services. How were you planning to pay for today’s session?

Me: Awww, now the trouble begins. (Ba-doom, ching!)*

*With apologies to Ole Olsen and Chick Johnson.

(Thank you for reading! Please remember, garden claws — rusty or otherwise — are available at your local gardening center and are not recommended as a tool of persuasion for those working in the health insurance industry.)

1 Comments:

Anonymous Janey said...

Dear T&AM,

While I often perform verbal colonoscopies on my enemies, I would be happy to perform one with a rusty garden claw on the CEO of Sickna in order to enact revenge for your trouble. Nurse AnneMarie, please prepare the ass-cheek spreader! Surgical Assistant Todd, please mix a pitcher of Harry Limes to steady and strengthen my hand (and forearm) for the deep plunge ahead. And no, Mr. Ceo of Sickna, that canister of numbing drugs is for me, Surgeon Janey, and not you...

August 27, 2010 at 9:28 AM  

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