arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

My Photo
Name:
Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Friday, August 06, 2010

Snort Notes – August 2010

BILL COSBY IS ALIVE!

One of Philadelphia’s favorite sons has had to take to the airwaves recently to denounce the horrible rumors of his death that circulated on the Internet. It is good to see him take these terrible stories seriously. Once again, it proves that the Internet can be beneficial when used properly, but has unfortunately become a powerful weapon in the wrong hands.

SARAH PALIN WILL UNDERGO SURGERY TO TRANSPLANT HER BRAIN WITH THE BRAIN OF CONSERVATIVE ACTIVIST ANDREW BREITBART

On the other hand, we must confess to having an unquenchable desire to satisfy our perverse sense of humor by fabricating totally bizarre tales like this one. Now that I’ve written it and read it, it occurred to me that such an operation would not make any difference in the great scheme of things. Let’s just forget that I wrote it...

CONTROVERSIAL CHEESESTEAK SHOP OPERATOR JOEY VENTO HOLDS FUNDRAISER FOR ARIZONA’S LEGAL FIGHT AGAINST FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OVER THEIR NEW IMMIGRATION LAW

Is this even legal? I can understand having a legal fund for private citizens fighting litigation, but a legal fund for an entire state government? A state government, mind you, that makes plenty of revenue from taxpayers and businesses in the state of Arizona?

Joey, Joey, Joey! If you want to help a state, how about one closer to home, or even at home, namely Pennsylvania? The Keystone State is in dire need of funding to repair its crumbling infrastructure. How about a little sugar for the dilapidated roads and bridges? This way, more people could drive down to your shop and order – in English – a cheese steak wit, Heinz on the side, hold the prejudice!

CALIFORNIA’S GAY MARRIAGE BAN RULED UNCONSTITUTIONAL

A judge on August 4 ruled that California’s much ballyhooed ban on gay marriage was unconstitutional. Naturally, conservatives are upset, and when conservatives are upset, I’m a happy boy!

Appeals by the ban supporters are inevitable, so ladies and gentleman of the gay community, it may be a bit early to start those bridal registries on Rodeo Drive. In the meantime, you can rest assured that any of your nuptials — pending, real, and/or otherwise — will not threaten the marriage of...

LEVI JOHNSTON AND BRISTOL PALIN, WHO CAN’T SEEM TO MAKE IT TO THE ALTAR AT ALL!

Yes, once again, it appears that Levi and Bristol have called off their engagement...again. This news has been verified after consulting with a Ouija board, a magic 8 ball, and my Captain Fantastic Secret Decoder Ring. Oh, okay, I even looked on the Internet, because (as everyone knows) everything on the Internet is true...except for Bill Cosby dying, but other than that, the Information Superhighway is totally accurate and flawless! (Wink wink nudge nudge!)

Apparently, another woman is carrying Levi’s child. Bristol broke up with him months ago and — I’m guessing — she expected him to be faithful to her and never, ever sleep with another woman again even though they were not married, or engaged, or even — in paparazzi parlance — an item. Bristol, honey, we have a name for this phenomena down here in the lower 48. We like to call it life! Bristol, go out and get one!

VIOLENCE BREAKS OUT AT ANNUAL COMIC-CON IN SAN DIEGO. ONE ATTENDEE STABS ANOTHER WITH A PEN WHILE ARGUING OVER A SEAT IN AN AUDITORIUM

This is typical for the stereotypical geek: pulling a pen to fight! So how come the victim didn’t slap the stabber senseless with a pocket protector? Honestly, some people just can’t think straight in a crisis!

No such fighting would ever occur at the silent comedy film fan convention I attend, Slapsticon. Even if it did, I’m sure we would work out our disagreements with cream pies thrown at 10 paces. (That last line is in memory of Del Lord, legendary comedy film director and the best damn pie thrower who ever lived!)

We did have a few tense moments this year though; one of the co-founders, Richard Roberts, nearly gave the audience a time out because we had laughed at a Ben Blue short. I’m guessing that, if Roberts had his way, it would be a crime in every state to be amused by Ben Blue. We silent film fans will need to keep this in mind for the future.

A FULL WEEK HAS PASSED WITHOUT THE RELEASE OF ANY NEW MEL GIBSON RANTS!

Now, this is news! It appears that Gibson has completed recording his verbal vomiting for the time being. I wonder if he’ll release a Best of... compilation. If that happens, then a tour is inevitable. He could call it Rantapalooza or I Hate That #%@& Bitch Tour. Glenn Beck opening for him would make it the event of the year!

Yes, this is one tour I’ll sit out...

(Thank you for reading. Please remember, consider everything you find on the Internet with a grain of salt...and maybe a slice of lime...and oh, of course, a shot of tequila while you have the salt and lime out!)

2 Comments:

Anonymous Janey said...

Does this mean that I, a queer man, can marry Levi Johnston in the state of California, with Bill Cosby as my best man, Sarah Palin as the flower girl, Mel Gibson as the officiant, cheesestaks wit' Whiz at the reception, and that I can bitchslap objectors with a pocket protector??? Oh please, RTG, look into your Captain Fantastic Secret Decoder Ring and tell me my dreams can finally come true....! :-)

August 7, 2010 at 8:51 AM  
Anonymous arteejee said...

Oh, Janey!

Part of me wants to tell you that since this is America that anything is possible!

Oh wait! You're gay! Let me amend that! Since this is a homophobic America, then no, your dreams are destined to be shattered. Better you hear this from me, than from Sarah oh what's her name....

Levi now wants to be the mayor of Wasilla. Wasilla, Janey! Think about that! Can you really see yourself living with this perennial loser from the north slope in Wasilla? However will you keep your cacti from freezing their needles off?

Then, on the other hand, a part of me wants to tell you, "Oh what the hell! Go for it!" :-)

August 10, 2010 at 7:25 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home