Down With Deer
News item: In an effort to cancel the state of Pennsylvania’s plans to thin deer herds at Valley Forge National Park via sharp shooter hunting, one group has suggested using coyotes to keep the deer population in check. These cousins of the wolves could be encouraged to breed and grow, taking care of the overpopulation in a natural manner. In this season of political causes being canvassed door-to door, the following scene could play out at door steps all over southeastern Pennsylvania.
Arteejee (answering a knock at the door): Yes? What do you want?
Chai O’Yote: Good morning, sir! My name is Chai O’Yote and I am a member of a group called CHUD, Chewing Herds of Undesirable Deer...
Arteejee: O’Yote?
O’Yote: Yes, I know what you’re thinking. All right, I’ll admit it - I’m Irish. Anyway, my group advocates for the natural, humane method of hunting down huge, ungodly hoards of deer in Valley Forge. I should remind you, sir, that large herds of deer can cause great damage to the local forests and private property. Excuse me, I have an itch behind my ear.
Arteejee: Wow! That’s amazing how you’re able to use your legs to scratch behind your ear. Are you double-jointed?
O’Yote: Actually, no. It comes naturally to us.
Arteejee: You said you’re pushing for a natural and humane way to hunt deer? How is your method more natural and humane than shooting them?
O’Yote: Fair question, sir. Let’s look at a simple comparison between the two methods. Method one: the human hunter goes into the park loaded with rifles and bullets, waits quietly in a very cold early autumn morning for a great buck or gentle fawn to walk by and BLAM! A hideous hole appears in the deer’s neck and they fall over, weak from the sudden trauma of being shot.
Arteejee: And your group...?
O’Yote: My group’s method is simplistic. Me and a bunch of my friends run buck naked through the park until we come upon a herd of deer. One of us jumps on their hind quarters, inflicting multiple lacerations with our teeth and claws. Most times the deer is weakened by the loss of blood and falls, at which point the rest of my pack leaps onto a nice meal of raw venison.
Arteejee: That’s humane?
O’Yote: Oh yeah, definitely! Sometimes we have to dig our fangs into their necks and use our massive forearms to crush the life out of them, but regardless we always try for a kill that is as painless as possible.
Arteejee: Digging your fangs into their neck is painless?
O’Yote: Well, it’s painless for us. Unless one of our fangs breaks off if we bite into a vertebrae...man, that hurts like hell! I HATE when that happens!
Arteejee: You said “us” earlier. Is your group from around here?
O’Yote: Actually, no. My pack is originally from Minnesota. Um, by the way, sir, are you done with that cat?
Arteejee: What?
O’Yote: I see a black cat in your window. Are you done with it?
Arteejee: What do you mean, “Done with it?”
O’Yote: Are you going to eat it? See, I’ve been walking all over town all morning and I’m getting a little hungry.
Arteejee: That is Steven! He’s my pet, my companion, and no, I am NOT done with him!
O’Yote: You give names to your pieces of meat? Weird!
Arteejee: He is NOT a piece of meat!
O’Yote: Pity! I could fillet, bread, and bake him with a nice barbecue sauce...
Arteejee: Okay, that’s enough...
O’Yote: On the other hand, there’s nothing like tucking into a nice carcass of feline road kill! Hmm! Good eating!
Arteejee: Okay, this conversation is over.
O’Yote: Ummm, okay, sir, if I could just leave one of our pamphlets for you to look over...
Arteejee: No, I do not want to look at it! Not only do I find your group's aims revolting and disgusting, but you’re proposing to come in from out-of-state and take jobs away from our local predators! I can’t encourage that type of immigration at all!
O’Yote: Sir, please! You make it sound like we’re just a bunch of wild animals...
Arteejee: OUT!
(Another knock on the door)
Arteejee: Yes? What do you want?
Volunteer: Good morning, sir! I’m working for the Tom Corbett campaign and we would appreciate your support on Election Day and our goal to put down unemployed Democrats.
Arteejee (sighs): If only I had a job, I wouldn’t have to sit at home and answer this @#$%* door!
(Thank you for reading. Please remember...Steven! Come back! Daddy was only kidding...!)
Arteejee (answering a knock at the door): Yes? What do you want?
Chai O’Yote: Good morning, sir! My name is Chai O’Yote and I am a member of a group called CHUD, Chewing Herds of Undesirable Deer...
Arteejee: O’Yote?
O’Yote: Yes, I know what you’re thinking. All right, I’ll admit it - I’m Irish. Anyway, my group advocates for the natural, humane method of hunting down huge, ungodly hoards of deer in Valley Forge. I should remind you, sir, that large herds of deer can cause great damage to the local forests and private property. Excuse me, I have an itch behind my ear.
Arteejee: Wow! That’s amazing how you’re able to use your legs to scratch behind your ear. Are you double-jointed?
O’Yote: Actually, no. It comes naturally to us.
Arteejee: You said you’re pushing for a natural and humane way to hunt deer? How is your method more natural and humane than shooting them?
O’Yote: Fair question, sir. Let’s look at a simple comparison between the two methods. Method one: the human hunter goes into the park loaded with rifles and bullets, waits quietly in a very cold early autumn morning for a great buck or gentle fawn to walk by and BLAM! A hideous hole appears in the deer’s neck and they fall over, weak from the sudden trauma of being shot.
Arteejee: And your group...?
O’Yote: My group’s method is simplistic. Me and a bunch of my friends run buck naked through the park until we come upon a herd of deer. One of us jumps on their hind quarters, inflicting multiple lacerations with our teeth and claws. Most times the deer is weakened by the loss of blood and falls, at which point the rest of my pack leaps onto a nice meal of raw venison.
Arteejee: That’s humane?
O’Yote: Oh yeah, definitely! Sometimes we have to dig our fangs into their necks and use our massive forearms to crush the life out of them, but regardless we always try for a kill that is as painless as possible.
Arteejee: Digging your fangs into their neck is painless?
O’Yote: Well, it’s painless for us. Unless one of our fangs breaks off if we bite into a vertebrae...man, that hurts like hell! I HATE when that happens!
Arteejee: You said “us” earlier. Is your group from around here?
O’Yote: Actually, no. My pack is originally from Minnesota. Um, by the way, sir, are you done with that cat?
Arteejee: What?
O’Yote: I see a black cat in your window. Are you done with it?
Arteejee: What do you mean, “Done with it?”
O’Yote: Are you going to eat it? See, I’ve been walking all over town all morning and I’m getting a little hungry.
Arteejee: That is Steven! He’s my pet, my companion, and no, I am NOT done with him!
O’Yote: You give names to your pieces of meat? Weird!
Arteejee: He is NOT a piece of meat!
O’Yote: Pity! I could fillet, bread, and bake him with a nice barbecue sauce...
Arteejee: Okay, that’s enough...
O’Yote: On the other hand, there’s nothing like tucking into a nice carcass of feline road kill! Hmm! Good eating!
Arteejee: Okay, this conversation is over.
O’Yote: Ummm, okay, sir, if I could just leave one of our pamphlets for you to look over...
Arteejee: No, I do not want to look at it! Not only do I find your group's aims revolting and disgusting, but you’re proposing to come in from out-of-state and take jobs away from our local predators! I can’t encourage that type of immigration at all!
O’Yote: Sir, please! You make it sound like we’re just a bunch of wild animals...
Arteejee: OUT!
(Another knock on the door)
Arteejee: Yes? What do you want?
Volunteer: Good morning, sir! I’m working for the Tom Corbett campaign and we would appreciate your support on Election Day and our goal to put down unemployed Democrats.
Arteejee (sighs): If only I had a job, I wouldn’t have to sit at home and answer this @#$%* door!
(Thank you for reading. Please remember...Steven! Come back! Daddy was only kidding...!)
posted by todd gunther | 5:56 AM
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