arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Snort Notes – December 2010

COMIC ACTOR LESLIE NIELSEN DIES

At a time when I find myself contemplating reinventing myself for future career success, it is fortuitous that Leslie Nielsen’s name appears in the news for what, unfortunately, may be the last time. Nielsen built up a respectable resume on early television and movies, playing on many occasions a stern, stiff-upper-lipped character. He was almost parodying his previous roles when he played it straight in the Zucker/Abrams comedy classic, Airplane!.

Overnight, he had reinvented himself as an almost stone-faced pillar of calmness and tranquility in the center of a wacky universe. His newfound caricature led him to more work with Zucker and Abrams: the all too short television series, Police Squad, and its big screen franchise version a few years later, The Naked Gun series.

Here was an act of accidental reinvention — if this was carefully planned, then Nielsen and his agent are more brilliant than we’ve given them credit for — that resulted in a continuation of Nielsen’s career when most other actors retire. He’ll be remembered more for his work in the last 25 years than for all the work he did in the three decades before Airplane!.

Just don’t ever accuse him of calling you “Shirley”!

TENSIONS MOUNT ON CAPITAL HILL AS BOTH SIDES OF THE AISLE DIG IN THEIR HEELS FOR A TOUGH BATTLE ON THE EXPIRING BUSH ERA TAX CUTS

We knew that the political conflict over the tax cuts coupled with the expiration of unemployment benefits (a subject now close to my heart) for millions of Americans would raise temperatures in the nation’s capital, but even seasoned political wonks were shocked at John Boehner’s outburst. In a widely disseminated quote, Boehner called the Democrat’s proposal to allow the tax cuts to expire for everyone except the really, really wealthy, “chicken crap”. Even Democrats felt that their vote was more symbolic than realistic, given the fact that Republicans appeared to be winning the public’s opinion on the subject, but chicken crap? Really!

Come on Boehner, grow up and curse the Democrats out like a man! Come on, do your worst! They can take it!

If you’re really going to resort to such effin’ language, then don’t be afraid to call us rooster dirt! Or how about hen excrement? Or peep poop?

Such language in a sound bite broadcast into thousands of American family homes! Shameful! Perhaps you should stand with Charles Rangel in the well the next time the House has to shake their finger at an errant member of Congress!

Meanwhile, in another part of Washington, DC...

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES STAR OUTFIELDER JAYSON WERTH SIGNS MULTIMILLON DOLLAR, SEVEN YEAR DEAL WITH THE WASHINGTON NATIONALS

Yes, it is a bittersweet day in Philadelphia sports today with the news that Werth will play in Washington next year. We, the fans, will miss him. The Philadelphia Phillies management will not miss the huge expenditure in their payroll they would have had to shell out if Werth stayed in Philly. The total pay day amount is $136 million, and Werth is worth every penny.

(Now this is where I skillfully, but subtlety, wrap my entry back around a theme in the first paragraph.)

The Werth deal could be the answer to my stalled career situation. I could go to Washington and reinvent myself as a baseball player by claiming to be Jayson Werth. (Huh, huh? See what I did there?)

Of course, many Nats fans will see through my deception immediately. They will know that Werth is a strong, peak-of-his-prime athlete, and they will see me — a broken-down, hopelessly-unemployable 51 year old heart patient. They will look at me and say, “This is what we paid $136 million for? What kind of poultry doo-doo is this? My God, who’s in charge of this team? The Democrats in Congress?”

By the way, Nats fans, that’s not just Democrats in Congress. That’s chicken crap Democrats in Congress to you! Get it right!

(Thank you for reading. In all seriousness, good luck to Jayson Werth, and thank you for many memorable games as a member of the Phillies!)

1 Comments:

Anonymous Janey said...

If you are seeking reinvention, why not take Boehner's job as Senate Majority Leader? Get in there and kick the chicken crap out of the place!

December 8, 2010 at 7:17 AM  

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