Buyer Beware
DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS A WORK OF SATIRE AND SHOULD NOT BE CONSTRUED AS AN ADVERTISEMENT FOR AN ACTUAL BUSINESS EVENT
Time is running out! America, the United States of America, must close its doors by midnight tonight! And everything must go!
Nothing held back! Vast natural gas resources in the northeast! Unlimited opportunity for oil reserve exploitation along the coasts and in the extreme upper northwest! In between, manufacturing belts, a hard-working middle class, more mineral resources and of course the classic “amber waves of grain”.
We repeat, nothing held back! This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Act now! The biggest, the best, real estate on the planet! Prime developed land in the northeast and all along the east coast! Just ripe for maximum return on investments! Similar investment opportunities exist on the west coast, but hurry, before the next earthquake strikes! And once again, in between there are huge tracts of residential and agricultural property that are guaranteed to bring fantastic economic advancement to any buyer!
Hurry, hurry, hurry! Step right up to the biggest, best deals ever offered! Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Is this it? Is this all you can offer — land and rocks? Is that all you have to show for over 200 years of democratic experimentation?” We answer, “No, of course not!” There is more, much, much more!
Of course, America’s most precious resource is its people! Americans come in a variety of shapes and colors, but they all have one thing in common. They all share a willingness to do anything to live life to the fullest, dedicating their toils to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, not just for themselves, but for all who share their philosophy.
This wonderful cache is available in lots according to race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, and political philosophy. Blacks, whites, Christians, Jews, men, women, straight, gay, liberals, conservatives and so many, many more varieties! These lots can sliced up, divided up, broken apart, and remixed together with other lots to meet every conceivable investment goal.
Now, I must warn you, there are conditions related to this sale. You must allow the people within these lots to pursue their own economic goals...this is not a slave auction! Allow them to make their own living and pay a small tribute to you, and you’re in business.
Here’s just a sampling of what’s available. Strong-willed, dye-in-the-wool blue Democrats available to the highest bidder from any reputable business conglomerate or interest group. Ditto for strong-willed, patriotic, red Republicans! But wait! There’s more! For the bargain hunters, we are now offering the most fervent, die-hard political philosophy ever seen in the United States. You know who I’m talking about! That’s right...Tea Party Republicans available now! For this group, we will accept your best offer for the lot!
Hurry! Operators are standing by now to take your orders! Financing available to all! Conditions and restrictions apply! Remember, this once-in-a lifetime opportunity ends at midnight, and everything must go!
This sale has been made possible by persistent budget wrangling between Congress and the White House! So hurry, act now! Make your deal, before they reach their deal! Their loss is your gain! We repeat, everything must go!
SECOND DISCLAIMER: MR. GUNTHER IS NOT AUTHORIZED BY ANY FEDERAL, STATE, OR LOCAL AUTHORITY OR ENTITY TO SELL OFF ANY LAND, RIGHTS, PROPERTY, OR PEOPLE CONTAINED WITHIN THE PHYSICAL, GEOGRAPHICAL, OR PHILOSOPHICAL BOUNDARIES OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IN WHOLE, PART OR WILLY-NILLY. BUYER BEWARE.
(Thank you for reading. Remember...satire, satire, satire!)
Time is running out! America, the United States of America, must close its doors by midnight tonight! And everything must go!
Nothing held back! Vast natural gas resources in the northeast! Unlimited opportunity for oil reserve exploitation along the coasts and in the extreme upper northwest! In between, manufacturing belts, a hard-working middle class, more mineral resources and of course the classic “amber waves of grain”.
We repeat, nothing held back! This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Act now! The biggest, the best, real estate on the planet! Prime developed land in the northeast and all along the east coast! Just ripe for maximum return on investments! Similar investment opportunities exist on the west coast, but hurry, before the next earthquake strikes! And once again, in between there are huge tracts of residential and agricultural property that are guaranteed to bring fantastic economic advancement to any buyer!
Hurry, hurry, hurry! Step right up to the biggest, best deals ever offered! Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Is this it? Is this all you can offer — land and rocks? Is that all you have to show for over 200 years of democratic experimentation?” We answer, “No, of course not!” There is more, much, much more!
Of course, America’s most precious resource is its people! Americans come in a variety of shapes and colors, but they all have one thing in common. They all share a willingness to do anything to live life to the fullest, dedicating their toils to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, not just for themselves, but for all who share their philosophy.
This wonderful cache is available in lots according to race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, and political philosophy. Blacks, whites, Christians, Jews, men, women, straight, gay, liberals, conservatives and so many, many more varieties! These lots can sliced up, divided up, broken apart, and remixed together with other lots to meet every conceivable investment goal.
Now, I must warn you, there are conditions related to this sale. You must allow the people within these lots to pursue their own economic goals...this is not a slave auction! Allow them to make their own living and pay a small tribute to you, and you’re in business.
Here’s just a sampling of what’s available. Strong-willed, dye-in-the-wool blue Democrats available to the highest bidder from any reputable business conglomerate or interest group. Ditto for strong-willed, patriotic, red Republicans! But wait! There’s more! For the bargain hunters, we are now offering the most fervent, die-hard political philosophy ever seen in the United States. You know who I’m talking about! That’s right...Tea Party Republicans available now! For this group, we will accept your best offer for the lot!
Hurry! Operators are standing by now to take your orders! Financing available to all! Conditions and restrictions apply! Remember, this once-in-a lifetime opportunity ends at midnight, and everything must go!
This sale has been made possible by persistent budget wrangling between Congress and the White House! So hurry, act now! Make your deal, before they reach their deal! Their loss is your gain! We repeat, everything must go!
SECOND DISCLAIMER: MR. GUNTHER IS NOT AUTHORIZED BY ANY FEDERAL, STATE, OR LOCAL AUTHORITY OR ENTITY TO SELL OFF ANY LAND, RIGHTS, PROPERTY, OR PEOPLE CONTAINED WITHIN THE PHYSICAL, GEOGRAPHICAL, OR PHILOSOPHICAL BOUNDARIES OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IN WHOLE, PART OR WILLY-NILLY. BUYER BEWARE.
(Thank you for reading. Remember...satire, satire, satire!)
posted by todd gunther | 7:07 AM
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