Iowa Beware!

See, there is a downside to being one of the first states to have a primary. The straw poll in Iowa this weekend is a perfect example. Sure, you get the satisfaction of being the first citizens to kick the tires — so to speak — of the newest crop of candidates that want to lead this country for the next four years or so, but at what cost?

There are so many from which to choose, and every other one is more outrageous than the previous one. Candidate A will promise not to raise your taxes; candidate B will promise not to raise your taxes and balance the government’s budget; while candidate C will promise to do all that and put consenting adults of the same sex who just want to live like any other couple in a committed relationship in their place.

My state — the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania — has no time or patience to put up with this kind of riffraff. And by riffraff, I’m referring to the politicians who promise you the moon for your vote, and not the consenting adults of the same sex who etcetera etcetera etcetera. Gays are okay with us. On the other hand, politicians are a totally different animal, particularly after the latest round of political brinkmanship that played out in DC recently.

So as of today, we have eight or ten or twelve or I don’t know how many Republicans tossing their hats into the presidential election ring. Let’s put it this way: there are so many hats in the ring that no one can see the ring anymore. From this multitude, the media are focusing on the eight main contenders, which includes a couple of holdovers from 2008 (Romney and Pawlenty), the tea party fave (Bachmann), a former Obama administration member (Huntsmann), and all the rest — but not including the Professor and Maryann.

Of these contenders, I feel compelled to warn you, dear sweet corny Iowa, about Bachmann and Rick Santorum. I truly have mixed feelings about Bachmann: on the negative side, she is the main tea party candidate who has displayed a bizarre grasp of American history. On the plus side — and I’m speaking now as a male who is deeply appreciative of female beauty — she looks good in a dress. In this respect, she is miles ahead of Santorum, who to my knowledge has never worn a dress. This is a pity, as it might broaden his narrow-minded, 12th century horizons...or maybe not.

Bachmann has made many amusing statements on American history in the course of her campaign. Now, to be fair, I should note that she did get something right. Last week, when she criticized Obama about the S&P downgrade of America’s credit rating from AAA to AA+ (the plus sign must count for something), she noted that the rating held steady through “World War One, the Great Depression, World War Two, the Korean War,” and so forth. What was amazing was that she ticked off each of these conflicts/social upheavals in the right order! I was stunned! And she did it without a five year old nearby to check her facts or a crib note tucked into her bra! I was so proud of her!

Santorum deserves to be watched closely, sweet corn-shucking Iowa. In anticipation of this weekend’s straw poll, he has uprooted his wife and seven children from their northern Virginia digs (which is miles away from their “legal” residence outside of Pittsburgh PA), and brought them to your sunny midwestern plains. I assume his plan is to establish residency, ingratiate his brood with your citizenry, and perhaps enroll them in a cyber charter school in your state.

I have no reason to believe this is Santorum’s intention, but the fact is he has done this before. Back in 2004, a controversy arose when then Senator Santorum representing a district in western Pennsylvania listed a residence near Pittsburgh as his legal address. He and his family spent most of its time at a house in Leesburg, VA.

So far, no problem. Papa Santorum’s job was in DC, and who wouldn’t want his children living with him close to daddy’s job. The problem arose when the local school district noticed that Santorum’s children were enrolled – at Pennsylvania taxpayers expense — in a PA cyber charter school when they spent most of the year in VA. The school district ruled that the Santorums didn’t satisfy their residency requirements, and requested a refund from the senator.

Santorum balked and withdrew his children from the PA cyber school. Courts later ruled in his favor, but eventually the school district did get some of their money back courtesy of the Pennsylvania State Department of Education. Where the state got the money to settle this dispute...oh, wait, I guess we the taxpayers of Pennsylvania footed that bill too! No matter what happened, we got screwed!

In any event, Iowa, you may want to watch this man Santorum carefully. If he does well in this weekend’s straw poll, then he’ll go off campaigning to God knows where, and he’ll leave his brood behind in Iowa. You may get stuck with a bill for educating them while daddy runs for president. Of course, if you have no cyber schools in your state, then you should have nothing to worry about.

So, Iowa, good luck with this year’s crop of corn and corn-fed candidates! Enjoy their company, give them a thumbs up or thumbs down for the benefit of the rest of us, and send them on their way. Just make sure they take all of their people with them when they leave.

(Thank you for reading. By the way, Iowa, please don’t take my “kicking the tires” of the candidates remark literally. I’d hate to see Michelle Bachmann emerge from the straw poll with bruises on her ankles.)