Rick Perry’s Third Day in Office*

Time once again to indulge in some historical theory and speculate on the shape of events to come. In this case, we shall say “what if” the idea that one of the current crop of Republican hopefuls for the White House actually gets elected.

(*We say third day, because the first day is all inaugural festivities and more boot scooting, shit-kicking balls than you can shake a stick at; while the second day the new President gets down to business and starts carrying out all of the outlandish campaign promises. It’s the dawning of the third day when reality takes hold, the new president’s policies start affecting everyone, and the American electorate asks themselves, “My God! What the eff have we done?”)

TIME: January 22, 2013.

SCENE: The Oval Office. President Rick Perry is seated at his desk when Chief of Staff Andrew Breitbart rushes in.

Breitbart: Mr. President, we need to talk...

Perry: Not now! Can’t you see I’m trying to decide which country I have to start a war with.

Breitbart: Start a war with? But Mr. President, no country has acted with any belligerency towards us for months. Your predecessor successfully negotiated peace treaties with all the countries that we were fighting. Everyone loves us...even Iran!

Perry: I know that, and you know that, but that wise ass blogger arteejee insists that since I’m from Texas and I won the election that I have to pick a fight with somebody. He says it’s tradition! Johnson had a war; both Bushes had their wars; now it’s my turn. Get out of the way while I toss this dart at the globe over there! Now where did it stick?

Breitbart: Um...Oklahoma!

Perry: Dang! I was trying for Mexico. Oh well, those Okies got to be a pain-in-the-ass when I was governor. Maybe I will march into Tulsa just for the hell of it.

Breitbart: Mr. President, you cannot declare war against one of your own states.

Perry: Where’s Michele?

Breitbart: Michele...Bachmann? I believe she’s down in Miami separating Hispanic children from their illegal immigrant parents. She’s processing the parents for deportation.

Perry: Oh, right, her un-amnesty program. Well, tell her to get her tail back up here as soon as she can.

Breitbart: Why? Do you have a new policy for her to implement?

Perry: No, my water pitcher is empty! I’ve worked up a mighty thirst trying to decide where to go to war, what parts of the Constitution I want to scrap, and which departments to eliminate.

Breitbart: Ah, funny you should mention the Constitution, sir. You realize that declaring portions of it null and void can’t be done with just an executive order. It’s a long, drawn out process.

Perry: Oh yeah? I’ll fix that with another executive order. Any requests?

Breitbart: Pardon me, sir?

Perry: Any requests for amendments we should cut? How about the Second Amendment? It can’t be that important if the Founding Fathers didn’t make it the First Amendment, right?

Breitbart: Oh no, sir! We want to keep the Second Amendment! That’s the one that allows us to keep guns.

Perry: Oh, right! I better make a note of that. “Keep guns.” (suddenly laughs hysterically)

Breitbart: What’s so funny, sir?

Perry: I don’t know. Mitt Romney just popped into my head. (both laugh hysterically) Whatever happened to him?

Breitbart: He’s your vice president, sir.

Perry: Oh, yeah, but whatever happened to him? I haven’t seen him around here today.

Breitbart: You issued an executive order yesterday banishing him to Alaska to serve out the remaining time of Sarah Palin’s term as governor.

Perry: Okay. Now, where’s my Secretary of Labor? What’s his name? Ginrich? Grinchgich?

Breitbart: You mean Newt Gingrich? He’s up in New York City today, teaching nine year olds the correct way to mop a school gymnasium floor.

Perry: What for?

Breitbart: It’s part of his plan to get gut child labor laws and put kids to work.

Perry: Well, tell him I need to see him when he gets back. I need some of that high-falutin’ historical advice he gave to Freddie Mac. Maybe he can show me where to go to war.

(Secretary of State Herman Cain rushes in)

Cain: I’m sorry to barge in, Mr. President, but my mind is still swirling from the inauguration. I know you gave me some orders yesterday, but um, I’ve gotten everything mixed up. What was I supposed to do with Libya again?

Perry: Oops, I forgot too! Bomb the hell out of it!

Breitbart: But, Mr. President, Libya is no longer an enemy. Remember, Khadafy is dead.

Perry: Don’t worry about it, Cain. Go ahead and start some military action against them. We’ll just let Fox News put a positive spin on it. (Cain exits)

Breitbart: Speaking of those executive orders, Mr. President...

Perry: You mean the ones where I unilaterally and arbitrarily cut three government agencies out of existence?

Breitbart: Yes, those orders. Do you remember which departments you cut?

Perry: Well, you know I campaigned to cut three agencies. I cut the EPA and all their overregulation of our American industry. Any progress yet?

Breitbart: Some progress, sir. Every industry is reporting increased output now that they don’t have to worry about not polluting the air and water.

Perry: Sounds great! Have any of those bleeding heart liberal arguments against deregulation come true because the EPA is no more?

Breitbart: Well, sir, now that you mention it...hospitals in the major industrial areas are reporting upticks in emergency room cases for asthma, upper respiratory infections, and gastrointestinal illnesses from drinking tainted water.

Perry: Hmmm...must be a coincidence.

Breitbart: Of course, sir! My thoughts exactly! What other departments did you cut?

Perry: Well, let’s see...Commerce. How is that going?

Breitbart: Fantastic, sir! Many companies are expanding production and planning new growth, now that they don’t have to follow any pesky government regulations. The only problem today is they can’t find enough workers to fill their positions.

Perry: Why not? Where are all the people that Barack Obama’s policies put out of work?

Breitbart: They’re in the emergency rooms getting treated for asthma and gastrointestinal illnesses, sir!

Perry: Hmmm...must be a coincidence.

Breitbart: Yes, sir, it must be a coincidence.

Perry: You better have Michele ease up on her un-amnesty. We may need some of those workers for our American companies.

Breitbart: Yes, sir. Now, about that third agency you cut yesterday...

Perry: Well, in all the excitement of getting elected and inaugurated I forgot which one I campaigned to cut. So yesterday I just picked one at random.

Breitbart: And that was...?

Perry: Oh, I can’t remember now. Oh, wait...it started with a “d”.

Breitbart: Defense?!! You cut defense?

Perry: Yeah, why? Is that bad?

Breitbart: Well, that explains why a battalion of tanks are crossing the Key Bridge at this moment!

Perry: No problem! I’ll just issue another executive order to grant all of Michele’s illegal immigrants instant citizenship, impose the Second Amendment to arm them, then have Commerce hire them as mercenaries and position them along the Potomac against the tanks.

Breitbart: That’s brilliant, sir! You’ll go down in history as our greatest President ever!

Perry: Oh, I better add a pitcher of water to that order too. My mouth is as dry as a summer afternoon in El Paso.

(Thank you for reading!)