Thankful - 2011

It is that time once again to count our blessings and express our gratitude for everything that we have received in our lives. In my life, first and foremost I am grateful that I will have the chance to gather with my loved ones again to catch up with their lives, reminisce about old times and, of course, eat ourselves silly into a tryptophan induced stupor. I am also blessed that I have a blog on which I can vent and rant at the massive stupidities we encounter in America today.

The last sentence of the first paragraph is the first part of what the French call a segue. In order to enjoy the full effect of this literary device, please proceed to the first sentence of the next paragraph. I’m anything but subtle.

I am also grateful that Newt Gingrich is a Republican — the polar opposite of my cherished slightly left of center political beliefs. I can’t emphasize this enough. In fact I’ll probably emphasize it more in a future blog entry. However, now is not the time to take cheap shots at a noted American politician who, based on the things he has said and done in his life, would make one swear that he has his head up his ass. No, I repeat no, this is the time for somber reflection of our accumulated blessings.

I am also thankful that my life is on an upswing again on a path to economic security and not in the bowels of despair that I was wallowing in at this time last year. I am grateful that part of my journey to prosperity was the opportunity to further my education through the state funded CareerLinks. I am really truly thankful, unlike some people who begrudge the unemployed a chance at retraining. Of course I’m talking about good ole Newt again.

So much for somber reflection!

Did you hear his latest brain fart? No, I’m not referring to the hygiene and career advice he offered to the Occupy Wall Street protestors: “Get a bath, and then get a job!” He wants to roll back child labor laws so they can replace the unionized janitors at our nation’s schools. This way the kids can clean their own schools and earn money at the same time. There are so many things wrong with this idea!

First of all, repealing child labor laws would greatly increase the labor pool, which is not necessarily a good thing when there are 14 million Americans already out of work. That’s 14 million adult Americans, as in 14 million adult Americans of voting age.

The children will be a cheap source of labor, which would be great for business but not so great for adult workers who have families to support. Ultimately, this logic would backfire on the business world. The youngins would be unskilled and unskilled workers run a high risk of producing...oh, what is the technical term which the French have, oh yes...merde (shit).

If kids are obligated to clean their own schools, when will they have the time or possess the energy to learn everything they need to make them productive citizens of society? Oh, wait, they won’t have to be productive citizens for American society, because their own children will take the jobs that the adults normally have gotten because the child labor laws don’t exist anymore. Silly me for overlooking this brilliant facet of Newt’s plan to dismantle unions! It’s so in the spirit of the ugly circle of life, or karma, take your pick!

So, boys and girls, if you’re bored with school, then tell your parents to vote for Newt! He’ll get rid of those pesky laws that keep you in school and thrust you into the working world. Yes, someday soon nine year olds everywhere can be back in the coal mines like their great-grandfathers, who picked through a ton of coal for three cents a day! (I know because I met one of those children, although by the time I met him he was a very old man lost in his memories as he gazed upon a full size model of a working coal car at the Schuylkill County Mall near Frackville, PA).

Don’t fret about earning the measly three cents a day. This is the 21st century, after all, and federal laws guarantee you will earn a minimum wage of $7.25! Oh wait, I forgot, if Newt’s in charge then he’ll repeal that law too! Maybe three cents a day wages are in your future.

On the bright side, children earning such a low wage might entice some manufacturers to take jobs away from China and bring them home to the USA! Think of it! Such products like Apple computers will be made once again in the USA...USA...USA! Hooray!

I repeat, Newt must have his head deep inside his rectum. So please cherish this image in your mind as you lean back in your chairs digesting the feast that was provided by the bounties of our American life which were grown, harvested, packaged and transported to your table by hard-working, sometimes unionized Americans. And, oh yes, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

(Thank you for reading.)