arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The Shrinking Party

Has anyone noticed how the ongoing campaigns for the Republican nomination to make Obama a one-term president has deteriorated into a dogfight? At one point, it was a series of civilized debates among candidates who held opposing points of view of how to get America moving again. They expressed their ideas, thrusted and parried the gentle admonishments from their opponents, smiled and waved, and treated each other with a thin veil of respect. Oh, and by dogfights I’m not talking about the seemingly graceful choreographed biplane duels to the death from World War I. By dogfights, I mean a mean, vicious, snarling, teeth-baring, bone-crunching, bloodied fur and limbs competition among a pack of mongrels.

But more about Newt Gingrich later. Perhaps we should note the latest triumphs and faux pas of each candidate on their respective trails. Okay, since this IS a liberal leaning blog, we will focus on their faux pas, and boy are they faux!

JON HUNTSMAN

Remember him? This week the former governor of Utah, and Obama’s lead man in China, saw his dream of a campaign conducted with civility vanish in a Newt Gingrich minute. A no show in Iowa, and a less than commanding show in New Hampshire has forced him to drop his bid and throw his support behind Mitt Romney before the South Carolina primary.

MICHELE BACHMANN

Who? I know she dropped out weeks ago, but I miss seeing her on the trail and making those wonderful, wild and wacky statements about American history with her patented deer-in-the-headlights look on her face. Do not fret, fellow Americans! Michele still has her day job in Congress, although I wouldn’t be surprised if she accepts a position as curator of American History at the Smithsonian. (Personal note to the regents of the Smithsonian Institution: don’t get excited! I’m just kidding.)

HERMAN CAIN

Seriously, who?

RON PAUL

The libertarian choice in the Republican Party. Okay, has anyone questioned why this guy is even in the Republican Party? Some of his ideas are not compatible with the legacy of the original Republican, Abraham Lincoln. In fact, I dare say that if Lincoln were alive today, he might be so terrified by Paul’s ideas that he might register as a Democrat! Paul may or may not have approved of the racist statements made on a newsletter named after him years ago, but the writer’s association with a few groups that catch the attention of the Southern Poverty Law Center is good enough for me. Good enough for me, that is, to discount Paul as a viable candidate for president.

RICK PERRY

His poll numbers are in the single digits since Iowa, but he can’t take a hint! Even Huntsman wasn’t this thick-headed.

Perry continues to demonstrate that he is not electable. This week’s Perry faux pas? Defending US Marines who were videotaped urinating on the bodies of Taliban rebels. Their actions, while worthy of punishment, do not rise to the level of war crimes, or so he says. Of course, it’s just a case of good ole boys being good ole boys! Unfortunately, many people in the Muslim world — even the ones we’re not fighting - might not see it your way, Rick.

Anyway, thanks for playing. Now if you don’t mind, please leave. If you hurry, you might catch up to Huntsman.

RICK SANTORUM

As I predicted, Santorum ruled at the top for a month just before the holidays. His surge ended when people beyond Iowa tired of Santorum being the flavor of the month. (That’s right! I put the words Santorum and flavor in the same sentence! Enjoy!)

He has been touting himself as the true conservative defender of American ideals, even though one Huffington blog poster outed his Italian ancestors as diehard Communists. Oh well, that was then, when women were expected to stay at home, do all the household chores, and bear endless children for the one man they married; and this is now when Rick wants women to stay at home, do all the household chores, and bear endless children for the one man they married. Santorum himself has been married to only one woman, and has a large family. Yet he firmly believes that same-sex marriage threatens his heterosexual union.

What a wuss!

NEWT GINGRICH

Like Santorum, Gingrich is also trying to pass himself off as the defender of conservative values. Yet I dare say that Gingrich’s marital adventures (note that the word “adventure” is plural) are more of a threat to Santorum’s connubial bliss than a couple of guys having lived together in a loving relationship for decades! Go figure!

On the economic side, Gingrich has been riding hard on Romney’s past life as a — I hope you’re sitting down, dear readers — capitalist! Newt hopes that the Republican leading Romney won’t be able to duck stories of his old job as a businessman who bought old companies, downsized the work force, and turned the company’s fortunes around. Yes, the downsizing part won’t play well with unemployment still hovering above 8 percent. Granted, Romney shouldn’t expect Newt to hoist him on his shoulders and cheer, “Yay! He killed jobs and fattened investors’ portfolios!” If Newt is so upset about Romney’s past predatory successes, then maybe he should just whip out a copy of “Das Kapital” and start proselytizing about the wonderful world of Communism. That would make Santorum’s ancestors applaud!

Oh wait, I forgot! Obama is the big bad socialist! Silly me! How could I have forgotten this tidbit of Republican sound bite dogma!

MITT ROMNEY

Currently the man on top; it certainly appears that the former governor of Massachusetts has the nomination in the bag. He has been quoted as saying Obama doesn’t know how to run the economy, but Romney is boasting that he has the skills that Obama lacks. Okay, let’s humor him for a moment and see how he would preside over the American brand of democracy. How would he run the country as a businessman with experience in turning corporate entities around?

Well, I’m guessing that he would first drastically downsize the federal workforce, streamline operations and make America as a whole look attractive to outside investors. Or he might sell the whole country lock stock and barrel to...China? I hope to God there is something in the Constitution that would prevent him from doing that!

(Thank you for reading.)

1 Comments:

Anonymous Janey said...

UGH! The flavor of Santorum! There's a taste I don't wish to try! (Don't forget, fellow readers, to Google "Santorum" and see the first definition that pops up. It may leave an unpleasant taste in your mouth, regardless of your sexual inclinations.)

January 19, 2012 at 6:52 AM  

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