Snort Notes: January 2012
Various events on the campaign trail compel me to devote this edition of snort notes to the ongoing circus, aka the Republican Presidential Nomination. This past week...
RICK PERRY DROPS OUT OF THE RACE
Sensing that he didn’t have tumbleweed’s chance in hell of winning the South Carolina primary, the former governor of Texas ended his quest for his party’s nomination. Perry — who was only slightly ahead of Costa Concordia cruise ship Captain Francesco Schettino in the polls — threw his support to Newt Gingrich.
Meanwhile...
NEWT GINGRICH LASHES OUT AT THE MEDIA FOR FOCUSING ON HIS SECOND WIFE’S REVELATION THAT HE ASKED HER FOR AN OPEN MARRIAGE
Ah, Gingrich throws another cranky tantrum in public. Now my week is complete.
How dare the media focus on his past and not on his loopy views of taking America forward? What could they possibly be thinking? Perhaps that the tawdry details of this sensational story is too much to resist, not to mention the ad revenue generated by your second wife’s nationally televised interview.
Ah-ha! Sensational story equals bigger profits! It’s those damn capitalists again, Newt! The same ones you were railing against two weeks ago! They’re out to get you!
Ah, I have fueled Gingrich’s paranoia! Now my week is really complete!
On a related note...
SOUTH CAROLINA FEMALE VOTER MAINTAINS THAT REPORTS OF GINGRICH’S INFIDELITIES WILL NOT AFFECT HIS SUPPORT FROM CONSERVATIVE FEMALE VOTERS
Really? While I believe in the concept of redemption and forgiveness, I can’t help noting the possibility that her analysis is not shared by other female voters. Hey, lady, listen! Can you hear that? That sound is the sound of millions of your sisters in the other 49 states smirking!
Meanwhile...
RECOUNT OF IOWA CAUCUS VOTES SHOW THAT RICK SANTORUM GARNERED MORE VOTES THAN DECLARED WINNER MITT ROMNEY
Okay, so Santorum still has a viable campaign — at least for another 24 hours.
Speaking of Mr. Frothy Mix, I find it curious that his comments about Gingrich’s open marriage request (it’s all about Newt today) focused more on his character, and not how the concept of open marriage was a threat to his marriage. I would have thought that Ricky would have been all over this accusation. Frankly, his reaction is underwhelming. Of course, he might just be overlooking the larger implications of open marriage as much as he’s overlooked renewing his membership in the Pennsylvania bar since...1994!
RON PAUL PARTICIPATES IN FINAL DEBATE BEFORE SOUTH CAROLINA PRIMARY
Let me be the first to thank Ron Paul for showing up. Now move along! If you hurry, you might be able to catch up to Rick Perry. (I'm a poet and I don't know it!)
HERMAN CAIN RALLIES WITH SOUTH CAROLINA NATIVE HUMORIST STEPHEN COLBERT BEFORE THE REPUBLICAN PRIMARY
In an odd demonstration of sensational satire, Cain (remember him?) has teamed up with the Comedy Central show host to expose the shortcomings of the influential superpacs. In a strange twist of timing and ballot printing deadlines, Cain is still on the ballot — and could conceivably make a respectable showing in the primary — even though he dropped out the race weeks ago. Enter Colbert, who isn’t on the ballot, but who has gathered monetary donations for his superpac, which (he hastens to point out) is entirely legal!
There’s no punch line here, not because the issue of campaign financing isn’t a serious one, but because Colbert has already used all of the good ones! All I can add is God bless you Stephen Colbert! Good luck to you and your running mate!
MITT ROMNEY POISED TO TAKE SOUTH CAROLINA PRIMARY
Nice, but he didn’t do anything noteworthy this week except fend off attacks from Gingrich (there he is again) during their debate. Ho-hum! Suddenly this nominating race is boring me to death!
ERRATA: RICK PERRY IS STILL GOVERNOR OF TEXAS
I realized I made an error in my first note when I wrote that Rick Perry was the former governor of Texas. I apologize for my inaccurate reporting. This news may also come as a shock to the people of Texas, who may or may not have noticed Perry’s absence during the last six months or so.
Texas, you have your governor back. With that I want to express my deepest sympathies.
(Thank you for reading.)
RICK PERRY DROPS OUT OF THE RACE
Sensing that he didn’t have tumbleweed’s chance in hell of winning the South Carolina primary, the former governor of Texas ended his quest for his party’s nomination. Perry — who was only slightly ahead of Costa Concordia cruise ship Captain Francesco Schettino in the polls — threw his support to Newt Gingrich.
Meanwhile...
NEWT GINGRICH LASHES OUT AT THE MEDIA FOR FOCUSING ON HIS SECOND WIFE’S REVELATION THAT HE ASKED HER FOR AN OPEN MARRIAGE
Ah, Gingrich throws another cranky tantrum in public. Now my week is complete.
How dare the media focus on his past and not on his loopy views of taking America forward? What could they possibly be thinking? Perhaps that the tawdry details of this sensational story is too much to resist, not to mention the ad revenue generated by your second wife’s nationally televised interview.
Ah-ha! Sensational story equals bigger profits! It’s those damn capitalists again, Newt! The same ones you were railing against two weeks ago! They’re out to get you!
Ah, I have fueled Gingrich’s paranoia! Now my week is really complete!
On a related note...
SOUTH CAROLINA FEMALE VOTER MAINTAINS THAT REPORTS OF GINGRICH’S INFIDELITIES WILL NOT AFFECT HIS SUPPORT FROM CONSERVATIVE FEMALE VOTERS
Really? While I believe in the concept of redemption and forgiveness, I can’t help noting the possibility that her analysis is not shared by other female voters. Hey, lady, listen! Can you hear that? That sound is the sound of millions of your sisters in the other 49 states smirking!
Meanwhile...
RECOUNT OF IOWA CAUCUS VOTES SHOW THAT RICK SANTORUM GARNERED MORE VOTES THAN DECLARED WINNER MITT ROMNEY
Okay, so Santorum still has a viable campaign — at least for another 24 hours.
Speaking of Mr. Frothy Mix, I find it curious that his comments about Gingrich’s open marriage request (it’s all about Newt today) focused more on his character, and not how the concept of open marriage was a threat to his marriage. I would have thought that Ricky would have been all over this accusation. Frankly, his reaction is underwhelming. Of course, he might just be overlooking the larger implications of open marriage as much as he’s overlooked renewing his membership in the Pennsylvania bar since...1994!
RON PAUL PARTICIPATES IN FINAL DEBATE BEFORE SOUTH CAROLINA PRIMARY
Let me be the first to thank Ron Paul for showing up. Now move along! If you hurry, you might be able to catch up to Rick Perry. (I'm a poet and I don't know it!)
HERMAN CAIN RALLIES WITH SOUTH CAROLINA NATIVE HUMORIST STEPHEN COLBERT BEFORE THE REPUBLICAN PRIMARY
In an odd demonstration of sensational satire, Cain (remember him?) has teamed up with the Comedy Central show host to expose the shortcomings of the influential superpacs. In a strange twist of timing and ballot printing deadlines, Cain is still on the ballot — and could conceivably make a respectable showing in the primary — even though he dropped out the race weeks ago. Enter Colbert, who isn’t on the ballot, but who has gathered monetary donations for his superpac, which (he hastens to point out) is entirely legal!
There’s no punch line here, not because the issue of campaign financing isn’t a serious one, but because Colbert has already used all of the good ones! All I can add is God bless you Stephen Colbert! Good luck to you and your running mate!
MITT ROMNEY POISED TO TAKE SOUTH CAROLINA PRIMARY
Nice, but he didn’t do anything noteworthy this week except fend off attacks from Gingrich (there he is again) during their debate. Ho-hum! Suddenly this nominating race is boring me to death!
ERRATA: RICK PERRY IS STILL GOVERNOR OF TEXAS
I realized I made an error in my first note when I wrote that Rick Perry was the former governor of Texas. I apologize for my inaccurate reporting. This news may also come as a shock to the people of Texas, who may or may not have noticed Perry’s absence during the last six months or so.
Texas, you have your governor back. With that I want to express my deepest sympathies.
(Thank you for reading.)
posted by todd gunther | 4:13 PM
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