CNN/Fox Defeats Obama

No one believed it would happen, but it did. The entire Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare) was ruled constitutional in a narrow (5-4) decision by the Supreme Court. No one believed it would happen — outside of the Obama administration, who many have wondered may have become completely delusional anyway — because the major news organizations spent the last three months priming the American people for the dramatic conclusion to the Supreme Court’s session. And what could be more dramatic than witnessing the president’s signature accomplishment going down in flames?

The early reports by CNN and Fox — acting as if from a pre-conceived script — reported that affordable health care was unconstitutional. Producers for these two organizations leapt on an early sentence in Chief Justice Roberts’ opinion that doubted the individual mandate met the definition of the commerce clause.  

Ah, there it is, they said, the centerpiece of Obamacare is defeated!  

Conservatives cheered; one Republican representative (Jean Schmidt – OH) was videotaped having an orgasmic-like reaction to the thought that millions of Americans would not have access to affordable health care.

There was one small problem: the producers forgot to turn the page. 

Meanwhile, in real time, inside the Supreme Court chamber Justice Roberts was not finished reading his opinion. For those who stayed until the end — and we all  know those types who stay until all of the credits roll by at the end of the film before they even think about getting out of their seats while their fellow theater goers are already leaving the multiplex parking lot — were rewarded. They got the full story.  

Ah, Obamacare survived! It not only survived, but with an incredible plot twist which had the conservative Chief Justice Roberts, who was elevated to his position by a Republican president, voting with the liberal wing of the court. No one saw this coming. No one, especially the talking heads at CNN and Fox. Having completed their rendition of Harry S. Truman holding aloft a premature newspaper headline, “Dewey Defeats Truman,” CNN and Fox news producers had to back pedal, real fast! 

The fact that CNN jumped into the media fire without looking first was shocking! But for Fox News, eh, business as usual. They might have thought, “Hey, we got away with jumping the gun in 2000 when we declared George W. Bush president. Maybe we’ll get lucky twice!” This time it was not meant to be.

The resulting reactions were not surprising. Obama did not gloat in his official statement issued from the White House shortly after noon, but just reiterated the high points of his healthcare law with a gentle admonition to Congress that it is time to move forward. His opponent in November, Mitt Romney, vowed to “repeal and replace” Romneycare, I mean Romneycare 2.0, I mean Obamacare.

Then, just as suddenly, liberals had a new hero in conservative in name only Chief Justice John Roberts.  We, who have pre-existing conditions, salute you!

Or put another way: oh John, how do we love thee? Let us count the ways! Is it the debonair way you move through the chambers in your crisply pressed robe? Or is it the manly manner you swing your gavel to and fro when you hear Justice Thomas snoring again? Or could it be that authoritative tone of your voice as you object to something President Obama said during his State of the Union address?

I better stop this litany of judicial adoration before the good lady from Ohio has another orgasm!

Actually, this love fest won’t last long. Liberals are notoriously fickle. Oh, not as fickle as conservatives who were for the individual mandate before they were against it, but certainly we’ll turn against him shortly after the new Supreme Court session begins in October. Surely he’ll do something which will piss the liberals off, cheer the conservatives on, and suddenly the world will seem right again.

So another historic moment comes to pass in the blink of an eye! Many are happy, many others are depressed, but we’ll all have to live with this newfangled notion of doing something not for ourselves, but for the common good. For many, this will be uncharted territory indeed.

(Thank you for reading. DISCLAIMER: Arteejee has no proof that Justice Thomas sleeps on the bench, but seriously, has anyone checked his pulse lately?)