The Potty Police

Submitted for your approval: a scene somewhere in a men’s restroom someplace in Arizona in the not too distant future.*

Bob: Oh, excuse me. Um, this is the men’s room.

Tom(isina): Oh yes, I know, but I’m just obeying the new law.

Bob: What law is that?

Tom: Oh, the one that mandates that transgenders use public restrooms according to the gender listed on their birth certificate.

Bob: Oh right! That one! Sooo, you were born a….

Tom: Bouncing baby boy, yes! I traded in the puppy dog tails for this nice pair of pumps.

Bob: I must say, those pumps look great! And that dress…why, you look fabulous! I would never guess that you were born a guy!

Tom: Yes, they do wonders with breasts these days.

(DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN, SLAMMING AGAINST THE WALL.)

Officer: Freeze! Potty Police!

Tom: (Screams.)

Officer: Okay, ladies, show me your birth certificates!

Bob: Oh, sorry, officer! I don’t have mine on me. Would my driver’s license do? By the way, that was a wonderful scream!

Tom: Thank you! I practiced for years!

Officer: You can put your hands down, sir and madam/sir. I just need to verify that you can use these facilities. Nice pumps, by the way!

Tom: Thank you!

Officer: To answer your question, sir, no, a driver’s license won’t do. It’s a birth certificate or nothing!

Tom: One question, officer, before you run us in for illegal use of a rest facility. Was it your ambition to be in potty law enforcement?

Officer: If you must know, I have a liberal arts degree! It’s either this, or I’m frying potatoes in a basket somewhere!

Tom: So, instead of being a French fry chef, you’re violating the rights of law abiding citizens who just want to empty their bladders? Oooooh! Your parents must be so proud of you!

Man (running into the restroom): Oh, officer! Thank God I found you! Come quick! The second floor men’s room just reeks of marijuana and I think that a girl is being gang raped in one of the stalls!

Officer: Sorry, can’t help you! Actual law enforcement is beyond my scope. I’m just checking for birth certificates…which reminds me, let me see yours.

Man: Oh, um. I know I have it somewhere on me. Umm…nice pumps!

Tom: Thank you!

And on and on…

This scene might come true soon if Arizona Republican representative John Kavanagh has his way. A scheduled debate on his resolution — requiring men and women to only use public facilities based on their gender listed at birth - was postponed on Wednesday due to a clerical error. No, not postponed because the entire proposal is preposterous, but postponed for a writing mistake.

Hopefully, once debate resumes, a number of questions about the proposal should be aired. Such as: how will we enforce this law? Where will we find the money to enforce this? And will the state have to also hire lawyers to stand near the doors of every restroom in the state in case offended patrons want to file suit because their civil rights have been violated? And, oh yes, finally, how does this law satisfy the Republican Party’s desire for less government intruding on people’s lives?

Perhaps Arizona should consider another legislative proposal; namely, anyone wanting to run for public office must furnish proof that they don’t have their head up their ass!

*DISCLAIMER: The dialogue presented here may not be realistic, and admittedly could be considered borderline stereotypical, but exaggerated only for dramatic effect. Apologies to all who might be offended.

(Thank you for reading! Trust me, the pumps were fabulous!!!!!)