SNORT BITES – JANUARY 2014

SNOW STORM BLANKETS NORTHEAST US WITH THREE TO SIX INCHES

Once again, the state of the art agency known as the US Weather Service accurately predicts a weather disturbance with high confidence that they have adequately prepared all affected areas of the country to prepare accordingly. Hats off to you, US Weather Service, for a hard job well done!

CONSERVATIVE PUNDITS CALL TEXAS GUBERNATORIAL CANDIDATE WENDY DAVIS A LIAR FOR INCONSISTENCIES IN HER LIFE STORY NARRATIVE

Davis, who made a name for herself in the Texas legislature when she filibustered against Texas’ new abortion law, is the target of unflattering comments from pundits on Fox News and Rush Limbaugh. They are questioning her claims of being a single mom living in a trailer with a daughter. Apparently there is a state law, which no one has ever heard of, that mandates that a person can only count themselves as trailer trash after so many months, and apparently Davis didn’t meet this requirement when she lived in a trailer for “a few months”.

They are also saying not so nice things about her arrangement with her second husband who cashed in his 401(k) savings to assist her with law school tuition. Limbaugh has gone as far as to call the second husband a “sugar daddy” just because he helped her go to school. Wow, I never realized that enabling someone to get an education so they can better themselves was so demeaning!

Of course, if Davis had chosen an alternative means of financing her education (wink wink nudge nudge) then Limbaugh would be labeling her as a trollop and worse. This reminds me: hey Rush, how soon until the Limbaugh Live Co-ed Sex Show is up and running on a website near you?

Of course, all of these critics aren’t overlooking the most damning sin in Davis political aspirations: she’s a girl! Her critics wouldn’t dare raise these arguments against a guy.

WEATHER BULLETIN UPDATE: US WEATHER SERVICE AMENDS PREVIOUS SNOWFALL ACCUMULATION TOTALS TO SIX TO TEN INCHES

Okay, so maybe this meteorology discipline is not always the exact science that it’s cracked up to be. This is okay, because human beings are flexible creatures who can adapt to any situation however much that situation may change within a matter of minutes. Besides, the US Weather Service is basically government work, and we all know how low the expectations are perceived for this sector of the American economy.

RUSSIAN PREMIER PUTIN ANNOUNCES THAT GAYS CAN ATTEND OLYMPIC GAMES AS LONG AS THEY DO NOT ASSAULT CHILDREN

On the other hand, heterosexual pedophiles can party like its 1999! Oh, you don’t think Putin was implying that…?

US WEATHER SERVICE ISSUES NEW ACCUMULATION SNOWFALL FOR LATE JANUARY STORM; NOW EIGHT TO TWELVE INCHES IS EXPECTED TO FALL

Jose Crist! Can’t you people get your effin’ act together? First it’s three to six, which is an accumulation we can push without too much effort and strain on the ticker; then it’s six to ten, which means we may have to bend down and lift more than we can push or hire a couple of local teenagers eager to supplement their income from McDonald’s; and now you’re bumping up the totals to snow blower territory! Oh sure, blame it on the computer models which can’t agree on which way the storm will track. Just pick one and stick to it!

SARAH PALIN MARKS MARIN LUTHER KING DAY WITH A REBUKE TO PRESIDENT OBAMA TO NOT PLAY THE RACE CARD

Huh? When did President Obama ever play the “race card”? I never realized that he engaged in such leisure time arts as card playing. And all this time I thought he relaxed with a round of one-on-one basketball with House Speaker John Boehner.

Seriously, what is the President’s game? Poker? Pinochle? Blackjack? Oh snap, that was a cheap shot!

WINTER STORM WARNING IN NORTHEAST US IS ISSUED WITH A NEW TOTAL SNOW ACCUMULATION PREDICTED OF 10 TO 14 INCHES

Armageddon! Apocalypse! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! The US Weather Service doesn’t know its lows and highs from a hole in the ground!

(Thank you for reading! Snow, snow go away! Come back again another #@%&# day!)