A Kinder Klan

A chapter of the Klu Klux Klan here in Pennsylvania has gotten approval from their home office in Park Hills, MO to form a neighborhood watch in response to a wave of burglaries. Leaflets were distributed showing a Klansman, in full bed sheet regalia, pointing a finger at the reader (a la the Uncle Sam “I want you" poster) with the message printed underneath, “You can sleep tonight knowing the Klan is awake.”

I have serious objections about this message. You could sleep tonight knowing the Klan is awake, but that all depends on what in which neighborhood you sleep. Rural Pennsylvania, yes you can sleep. Bedford-Stuyvesant? Yeah, right! Good luck getting a good night’s rest there!

Keep in mind that there is more than just one hate group claiming the Ku Klux Klan as their label. Pennsylvania has six chapters, according to the latest intelligence report released by the Southern Poverty Law Center, each one competing for people who believe in their cause. This particular chapter calls itself The Traditionalist Knights of the Klu Klux Klan, claiming to be a non-violent White Patriot Christian group. 

  

Christian? Maybe. Non-violent? Don’t make me vomit!

Granted, we may not be able to accurately trace all acts of violence in Klan history - the thousands of lynchings, the bombing of black churches, and innumerable acts of terrorism against America’s minorities for the last 149 years - but people will do this anyway. After all, if you’ve seen one Klan Klaven, then you’ve seen them all.

So okay, let’s just pretend for the moment that the Klan is serious about changing their image. Let’s offer a few suggestions on what they could do to make up for their history of hatred and to demonstrate that they are sincere about their change of heart.

***Volunteer at a phone bank for the next fund raiser by the local Jewish Federation.

***Take a Nation of Islam member to lunch.  (Remember, avoid the pulled pork sandwiches.)

***Every member should write Barack Obama is a great president one thousand times.

***While we’re at it, each member should be ordered to write Crosses are for praying, not for burning a thousand times.

***Cancel their season tickets to Los Angeles Clippers games.

***Roll up a newspaper and smack Nevada rancher and conservative hero Cliven Bundy on the nose, yelling, “No, bad! Bad rancher!”

***While we’re at it, they should roll up a newspaper and smack Sean Hannity on the nose just for being Sean Hannity!

***Eat watermelon and fried chicken until they puke!

And finally…

***For God’s sake, ditch the bed sheets already!

No, I don’t think they’ll do any of these things, but it was worth a shot.

(Thank you for reading. So, did you hear the one about the Klansman and Nation of Islam member who walk into a pig roast…?)