Bubba Returns

News Item: Political pundits note the Democratic Party is courting the young female vote in anticipation of the 2014 mi-term elections. This looks like a job for BUBBA!

(music up)

Scene: an apartment somewhere in America. A young woman is curled up on her couch, texting friends on her iphone. There is a knock on the door.

WOMAN: Who is it?

CLINTON: It’s Bill Clinton for the Democratic Party!

(the woman cautiously opens the door and the 42nd President of the United States steps inside)

CLINTON: Good evening, miss. As I said, I am Bill Clinton and I am going door to door to talk to young voters like you about the Democratic Party!

WOMAN: Ooh! I like parties! Will there be beer?

CLINTON: (chuckles) Well, no, it’s not that kind of party. The Democratic Party is an organization dedicated to serving America’s young people, creating opportunities which will make them stronger, better citizens.

WOMAN: Oh, um, okay.

CLINTON: Is there something wrong?

WOMAN: Well, no, it’s just that the Democrats really pushed for Obamacare and that made my friends and I buy health insurance that we don’t really need! We’re not sick! My friends and I are all healthy! We don’t see why we need to choose between paying for health insurance or a tax penalty! It’s not fair!

CLINTON: Well, I feel your pain, but the Democrats are more than just Obamacare! Let me take a moment to get some information from you for our demographics department. They make me complete an exhaustive questionnaire for everyone to whom I speak. I’ll just be a minute. You can just stand her and admire my Adonis-like physique…

WOMAN: Oh, okay!

CLINTON:  ...while I get my pen and paper out. Okay, let’s see, gender. Obviously female. Um, can I ask your age?

WOMAN: 26!

CLINTON: Good! Well above the age of consent…um, single or married?

WOMAN: Single!

CLINTON: Great! Thank you! That completes our exhaustive questionnaire! Well, let me ask you, what are your concerns about living in America?

WOMAN: Oh, I don’t know. I just enjoy living my life in freedom, working at a great job, and hanging out with my friends. I don’t like someone else telling me what I can and can’t do.

CLINTON: I understand. Could we sit on your couch and discuss this?

(they sit on her couch)

CLINTON: You know, I was young once and I had the same feelings that you have now. Then I realized that sometimes we all need some amount of authority in our lives. Whether you know it or not, we human beings all crave structure in our lives. Government provides that need to make life better for everyone.

WOMAN: Well, I don’t know…

CLINTON: I know, I’m talking in generalities. Maybe I should be more specific to your concerns. How do you feel about birth control?

WOMAN: Well, it’s okay, I guess. Oh, I don’t use them myself!

CLINTON:  Of course not! My point is that the Democratic Party would allow you the freedom to choose whether you want to use them or not. The Democratic Party is trying to preserve your right to choose to have an abortion if, for some unforeseen reason, you end up being pregnant and you do not want to keep the baby. The Republican Party wants to take away your reproductive rights.

WOMAN:  Re…re…what was that first word you said?

CLINTON: Reproductive rights?

WOMAN: No, that first word you said with re…repub…

CLINTON: Oh, Republican!

WOMAN: Yeah, that’s it! Anyway, I don’t have to worry about getting pregnant. I don’t have a boyfriend.

CLINTON: Oh, really? (slides closer to the woman) Our questionnaire didn’t cover that! I’ll have to talk to our pollsters in the demographic department. (the woman giggles)

CLINTON: Say, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?

WOMAN: Oh, I don’t know. Anyway, there is something else your questionnaire didn’t cover…

CLINTON: What? Wait, your name…your name isn’t Monica by some chance?

WOMAN: No, my name isn’t Monica, Bill Clinton!

CLINTON: Wait, that voice! You’re…you’re…

(the woman rips her mask off her head)

CLINTON: Mama Grizzly!

SARAH PALIN: That’s right, Bill! And I can tell you you’re not man enough to

take on my values!

CLINTON: Really? You forget that I’ve been married to Hillary for nearly 40 years! If I can handle her…

SARAH PALIN: I’m also not alone! Todd! Get in here and whip some conservative values into this liberal pussy! (pumps fist into the air) Barefoot and pregnant forever! Woo-hoo!

CLINTON: Curses! Busted again!

(Thank you for reading! Hillary! Look out! Incoming Nike!)