Snort Bites – February 2014

2014 WINTER OLYMPICS END IN SOCHI

The winter games in Russia have ended and, if medal counts are the only measure of success, then the US did well, but we didn’t come out on top. The honor of most medals won goes to the host country, Russia. Whether or not these figures are final - there was a doping scandal or two during the last two weeks, and there may be further investigation into the judging for figure skating - the games will probably be best remembered for events which happened away from the Olympic venues.

Highlights:

America won the gold hands down in the Amenities Annihilation competition for its impressive destruction of a hotel room when one of our athletes could not escape the toilet facilities in his room. Somewhere Keith Moon is smiling! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Russian premier Vladimir Putin won an unprecedented Gold, Silver and Bronze medals in the Tyrannical, Despotic, and Totalitarian Regime competition due to his ongoing war on civil rights. He barely won over now exiled and hiding Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovych.

On a related note, the plucky citizens of Kiev took the gold in the civil disobedience competition. UKRAINE! UKRAINE! UKRAINE! UKRAINE!

ACTOR ALEC BALDWIN ANNOUNCES IN A NEW YORK MAGAZINE ESSAY THAT HE WILL NEVER DISCUSS HIS PRIVATE LIFE IN PUBLIC AGAIN

Promise? Cross your heart and hope to die?

AND THIS WINTER MAY NEVER END...

I know the calendar says that it is nearing the end of February (yes, my calendar talks to me), but the sight of the slowly retreating glaciers are little comfort. 

Nice to know: the Affordable Care Act now numbers 4 million enrollees.

The anti-gay legislation in Arizona may be vetoed by Governor Jan Brewer due to objections by the business community, state and national legislators, and after being exposed as an affront to common sense and decency in general. So hooray for all that!

On the other hand, conservatives are showing themselves to be the kings of dickwads, and that’s never good. Example: the Virginia legislator who, in an e-mail rant justifying his anti abortion stance, referred to pregnant women as hosts as in, maybe, host organism? Really? Wouldn’t this then make the fetus a parasite? Does he really want to couch his ideas in such terms?

Ah well! We can only hope that the frigid ignorance of our fellow men will thaw and expose the warm glow of brotherhood. Everyone, time to break out your rose-colored glasses!

(Thank you for reading. Are you still here, Alec? Get lost already!)