Talking Dicks Talking About Dicks

I am just finishing a history of standup comedy called The Comedians*, which traces live performance comedy from vaudeville through Broadway, radio, television to podcasts.  It is a very interesting, in-depth analysis of the art form through the 20th century.  It only got tedious when the subject of the comedians poking fun at each other at their private Friar’s Roasts was discussed.  Apparently the subject of penises comes up often at these events.

These are not the roasts recorded for public consumption. Oh no, these are the private club functions where comedians can relax, be themselves, and let it all hang down, or hang out, or hang down AND out.  “Comedian X’s dick is so small, that his wife, blah, blah, blah…” is a typical roast line according to author Kilph Nesteroff.  The oft told Alan Zweibel encounter with Milton Berle’s legendary schlong is also repeated here.

So, how does this matter in our everyday American lives today?  Well, apparently the Republican field of presidential nominee wannabes have now made the size of their dicks as important and imperative as other problems like, oh immigration, or say, healthcare.  The reports of the latest Republican debates this week left many people aghast when it took a performing arena of our cherished political system and dropped it into the middle of a three ring circus.

Granted, the subject matter of political issues can make for unengaging television, but that’s the point.  In the old days, back when candidates actually discussed the issues (yes, I’m showing my age), the number of debates were limited to four, tops!  Now we are subjected to an ongoing, seemingly unlimited number of events which seem designed to make the whole process as tedious as the daily updates of the O.J Simpson trial we had to endure.   Gee, how can we make these events interesting and guarantee fabulous ratings?   Of course, penis jokes!

Oh how I remember the historic debates of yore when Lincoln called out Stephen Douglas with a “Hey, Shorty….”   Or the time when Jack Kennedy held up his splayed fingers during his debate with Richard Nixon and taunted his opponent, “Hey Dick!  See these fingers?   That’s how many more women I’ve had than you…”

If you don’t remember either one of these little known historical facts, it’s because I just made them up.

The latest primaries/caucuses put Trump in front and making himself a primary target for the other viable candidates (Cruz, Rubio, and sometimes Kasich).   So, you would think that these debates would and should become more important to inform the remaining Americans who have not yet voted in the primaries.  Again, the possibility of boredom setting in after the first question is high, but this year’s crop of candidates are determined that boredom will be the least of our worries.

So many questions remained after this debate was over.   Such as why do we care about Trump’s dick, even though Rubio broached the subject earlier in the week?  Why didn’t Kasich speak up more often than has been reported?   And my big question, why didn’t moderator Megan Kelly step up and taser the whole lot of them when the shouting got too overpowering?

Now that would have made great television!

The whole primary season has now devolved from thoughtful analysis of the issues to a bunch of comedians standing around and pretending that they can make a difference in our lives.   Yes, they are nothing more than comedians, and unfunny ones at that.

* Nesteroff, Kliph, The Comedians (New York: Grove Press, 2015).

(Thank you for reading.   We don’t care how big it is, Donald!)