A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Chester Alan Who?

Our Valentines Day was very low key. My cats and I gave my wife cards, flowers, a book, two DVD’s and a love note published in The Philadelphia Inquirer. They gave me two books: biographies of Presidents Benjamin Harrison and Chester Alan Arthur. We spent a quiet evening together working on my blog.

Okay, so the earth didn’t move for either one of us, and no saran wrap was used, but hey, this is as good as it gets for a middle-aged couple. Deal with it!

Anyway, my books bring us to the subject of President’s Day, which began as a merging of Washington and Lincoln’s birthdays. Now it is just another excuse for car and department stores sales. Washington and Lincoln are probably the only two presidents most Americans know. This is mainly due to the way American history is taught in our public schools. Herewith now, in the spirit of public schools rendering of American history, is a very short history of the American Presidents.

George Washington was America’s first president. Number one, numero uno, first in the hearts of his countrymen, greater than sliced bread and nearly as big as Christ. Then came a bunch of other guys who did things that were important to them and to those around them, and in a minute incremental way, contributed to what this country is today. Other than that, who cares?

Then came Abraham Lincoln (number sixteen for those playing at home). It fell to him to referee that great domestic battle known as the Civil War. He managed to keep the country together at the cost of his own life. He is probably the greatest Republican ever, although the people at the Reagan Legacy Project will probably protest this. After all, they believe that their man is greater than sliced bread, but certainly not bigger than Christ. No, no, not at all.

Then came a bunch of other guys who did things that were important to them and those around them and blah, blah, blah. This brings us to today and the most powerful man in the west. He is wise enough to see through the conspiracy of global warming. He has had the foresight to implement a plan for lasting peace and democracy in the Middle East. He sneers and liberals shake! Lawyers and quail quiver in his sight! He points his finger and buckshot flies out like a bolt of lightning! Of course I’m referring to Dick Cheney! (Did you really think I was talking about that Howdy Doody puppet sitting in the Oval Office, who thinks he’s running the country?)

That is our very short history of the American Presidents. Kids, feel free to use these notes for your next history pop quiz. No need to thank me now, or later for that matter.


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