A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Friday, May 19, 2006

Finger Pointing Forum

The following is a transcription from the National Finger Pointing Forum on the high energy prices.

MODERATOR: Oil companies, you stand accused of gross abuse of the capitalistic system, raking in obscene record amounts of profits at the expense of the American consumer. How do you plead?

OIL COMPANIES: Wooooo-hooooo! Par-tay!

MODERATOR: Let the record show that the defendant doesn’t really care what the consumers think.

American Car Companies, you stand accused of conspiring with Madison Avenue to put an energy-draining vehicle in every driveway in America. You used every tool of propaganda known to man to convince the American consumer that they just had to have their precious SUVs, while at the same time you show little or no research into developing vehicles which run on hybrid or alternative fuels. How do you plead?

AMERICAN CAR COMPANIES: What can we do to put you into this Sherman tank today?

MODERATOR: Let the record show that this defendant isn’t taking the problem seriously.

GOP Congress, you stand accused of wasting the last 12 years of the peoples time chasing after political enemies when you could have enacted legislation to raise the mileage standards on cars built here in the United States; you also could have enacted legislation that would have encouraged the energy industry to pursue development of other fuels which could have decreased our dependence on foreign oil. How do you plead?

CONGRESS: Well, there you go again, spin, spin, spin, but my opponent would rather spin, spin, spin, and furthermore spin, spin, spin.

MODERATOR: Let the record show that these defendants are pleading not guilty. No matter, a higher court will hear their case in early November.

George W. Bush, you stand accused of waiting until gas prices reached crisis levels for the American people before you proposed realistic initiatives to lessen our dependence on foreign oil. This problem should have been priority one, day one of your first term. How do you plead?

GEORGE W. BUSH: Well, let me just say this, as I have said before, which means I have stated this previously, that I understand that people are paying more at the gas pumps. That means that I do know what they are...

MODERATOR: Bailiff, please gag the defendant. He’s giving me a migraine.

Lastly, the American Consumer, you stand accused of allowing yourself to be seduced into thinking that global oil supplies would last forever and that you were entitled to all of it. You allowed yourself to believe that ownership of gigantic, gas guzzling, pollutant-spewing vehicles was your God given right. Yet you insist that you are not part of the problem when in fact you are an integral cog in the vast machinery of excessive consumerism. Whew! How do you plead?

AMERICAN CONSUMER: Did anyone see “Lost” last week? My Tivo malfunctioned.

MODERATOR: [a heavy sigh] Somehow I’m not surprised. There are so many directions on which to blame this predicament, but I’ve run out of fingers to point. We all need to think about this, people. We can’t keep waiting for the other guy to solve the problems for us. I wish I could think of a more credible example, but Michael Jackson said it best when he sang that the best way to start solving our problems is to start with the man in the mirror.


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