Television Ga Ga
In what has to be the final straw for niche marketing, a new cable channel geared for infants –that’s right, those human beings that are too weak to lift their heads up to see what’s going on –is set to debut. I assume the programming will be designed to appeal to those with an infantile mind. I can just imagine what their daily programming schedule will look like.
7:00 – 10:00 AM Sleepy Time. Lullabies and visions of soft cuddly animals, some hung from a rotating mobile are featured.
10:00 – 10:30 AM Feed Me! Cry loudly and the woman who you will eventually call “mother” will come in and bare all to feed you. This program might also be very popular with drunken frat boys who have blown off their morning classes.
10:30 AM – 1:00 PM More Sleepy Time.
1:00 – 1:30 PM Poopie Time! Exciting diaper changing action when you cry loudly again for that same woman that fed you earlier.
1:30 – 4:30 PM Sleepy Time Matinee.
4:30 – 5:30 PM Jerry Springer. No surprise here.
5:30 – 6:00 PM The Evening News. This would be done in such a simple manner that even a day old child (or even a typical Fox News channel viewer) could understand the day’s events. The screen would show a bulletin board and a baby sitting underneath it. A one-word summation of the story would appear on the board; for example, “Mideast.” The baby sitting beneath the board would point to the word and start crying. For a weather forecast, the word “sunny” would appear on the board and the baby would laugh. Likewise, a drawing of a cloud denoting rainy weather would flash on the board and the baby would cry again. For national news, a photo of the President would be projected on the board, sending the baby into uncontrollable hysterics.
6:00 – 6:30 PM The Evening Bottle. The lady that fed and changed you earlier returns to the screen with a big bottle of warm formula.
6:30 – 7:00 PM Poopie Time - PM. More exciting diaper changing action.
7:00 – 8:00 PM Baby Calisthenics. An entire hour comprising the following dialogue: “Come on...roll over...that’s it! Roll to one side...one...two...three and over! Good baby!”
8:00 – 9:00 PM American Idol. Once again, no surprise here.
9:00 PM — 7:00 AM Baby After Dark. A free form potpourri of episodes from Feed Me, Poopie Time, and Sleepy Time. Classic episodes of Teletubbies are offered for older infants and drunken frat boys.
Okay, enough! Who was the numb nut at the FCC that approved this concept? Shouldn’t we let the wee ones develop their cognitive skills and allow them to explore their new world with touch, smell, taste, and hearing before we expose their precious little eyeballs to the radiation waves emanating from the cathode tube? Must we start setting them in front of the electronic baby sitter before they learn how to crawl? Quick, babies, crawl, crawl away as fast as you can from the boob tube! Hurry!
Good, now there’s room for me to sit and watch Feed Me. I wonder if I should invite the boys over from Alpha Omega Alpha?
7:00 – 10:00 AM Sleepy Time. Lullabies and visions of soft cuddly animals, some hung from a rotating mobile are featured.
10:00 – 10:30 AM Feed Me! Cry loudly and the woman who you will eventually call “mother” will come in and bare all to feed you. This program might also be very popular with drunken frat boys who have blown off their morning classes.
10:30 AM – 1:00 PM More Sleepy Time.
1:00 – 1:30 PM Poopie Time! Exciting diaper changing action when you cry loudly again for that same woman that fed you earlier.
1:30 – 4:30 PM Sleepy Time Matinee.
4:30 – 5:30 PM Jerry Springer. No surprise here.
5:30 – 6:00 PM The Evening News. This would be done in such a simple manner that even a day old child (or even a typical Fox News channel viewer) could understand the day’s events. The screen would show a bulletin board and a baby sitting underneath it. A one-word summation of the story would appear on the board; for example, “Mideast.” The baby sitting beneath the board would point to the word and start crying. For a weather forecast, the word “sunny” would appear on the board and the baby would laugh. Likewise, a drawing of a cloud denoting rainy weather would flash on the board and the baby would cry again. For national news, a photo of the President would be projected on the board, sending the baby into uncontrollable hysterics.
6:00 – 6:30 PM The Evening Bottle. The lady that fed and changed you earlier returns to the screen with a big bottle of warm formula.
6:30 – 7:00 PM Poopie Time - PM. More exciting diaper changing action.
7:00 – 8:00 PM Baby Calisthenics. An entire hour comprising the following dialogue: “Come on...roll over...that’s it! Roll to one side...one...two...three and over! Good baby!”
8:00 – 9:00 PM American Idol. Once again, no surprise here.
9:00 PM — 7:00 AM Baby After Dark. A free form potpourri of episodes from Feed Me, Poopie Time, and Sleepy Time. Classic episodes of Teletubbies are offered for older infants and drunken frat boys.
Okay, enough! Who was the numb nut at the FCC that approved this concept? Shouldn’t we let the wee ones develop their cognitive skills and allow them to explore their new world with touch, smell, taste, and hearing before we expose their precious little eyeballs to the radiation waves emanating from the cathode tube? Must we start setting them in front of the electronic baby sitter before they learn how to crawl? Quick, babies, crawl, crawl away as fast as you can from the boob tube! Hurry!
Good, now there’s room for me to sit and watch Feed Me. I wonder if I should invite the boys over from Alpha Omega Alpha?
posted by todd gunther | 8:54 PM
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