A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

My Photo
Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Thursday, January 04, 2007

You Better Watch Out, You Better Not Cry, You Better Not Lie, I'm Telling You Why, The Washington Media is Watching Your Every Move

I know last week was between the holidays, and most federal workers had to use the rest of their annual vacation or lose it, but the federal government has reached new heights of inefficiency with the funeral ceremonies for former President Gerald R. Ford. Come on now, it’s taken the US government a full seven days just to get him buried! This has got to be a record. It’s taken so long that I half expected Chevy Chase to break into the middle of a network newscast during the weekend with this announcement, “This just in, Gerald R. Ford is still dead!”

Everyone agrees that he was a decent guy, and he deserved to be elected President, but he deserves better treatment than what the federal government is giving him now. Let this be a lesson to all you future Presidents. When your time comes, try to pass away when there are no major holidays approaching. We should probably apply this rule to the weekends too. If you die on a Friday, no one will notice until Monday morning when they come back to work. Meanwhile, you’ve lain around for two days for nothing.

This will be a busy week in DC, even after they finally get around to burying Ford. This is the week that the new faces in Congress move in with their new staffs. This is the time offices are assigned, furniture is moved, and all the new employees get acquainted with their new environment. It would also be a good time for the Washington media to introduce themselves to the new Congresspeople.

It never seemed fair to me that the media never did this in the past. After all, you as a new Congressperson wouldn’t know who your friends and enemies are in the media, who you can trust and who not to trust. There are some rules of thumb in this regard. For example, if you are liberal or a Democrat or both, you can count on The Washington Post to give you good press and perhaps even help forward your agenda. If you are a conservative or Republican or both, then you have The Washington Times in your corner. The Times is run by the head of the Unification Church, Sun Myung Moon, who has been charitably described by many people as a “loony”. Republicans, you have two choices as I see it: you can switch parties now, or cozy up to the Fox Network.

Anyway, my idea is that the Washington media should send out a short note to all the new members of Congress as a matter of courtesy. It could go something like this.


Welcome, new Congress and staff to Washington, D.C.!

We, the men and women of the local news outlets representing print, radio, tv, and the Internet, greet you to our home and your new work assignment. We hope you enjoy working here and we will do everything possible to make your stay as comfortable as possible. Having said that, we should warn you about certain ground rules regarding our job and yours.

The American public has charged us with the task of finding the truth in everyday life, seeking justice where there is none, and making some sense of the myriad workings of the federal government. We realize that you have been charged to run the government for the people, of the people, and by the people. Many times our mutual interests will work beautifully together. We can be your best friend in advancing your various causes and making you look good to the people back home. Or we can be your worst enemy and make you look very bad. Remember that substance is meaningless when perception is everything.

We put it to you simply this way: we will crucify you if you so much as piss sideways.

We’ll leave you now to attend to the people’s business. Good luck and we’ll be in touch soon.

P.S. Beware of Connie Chung. Don’t let anyone from your immediate families talk to her. Ever! She doesn’t know the concept of ‘off the record’. If you don’t believe us, just ask Newt Gingrich. He’ll be more than happy to tell you what Ms. Chung did to his mother.


I think this note would make life inside the Beltway more sporting if the media were upfront with the new Congress from the start. Of course, this will never happen. After all, what can we expect from a government that takes forever to bury one of our dead Presidents?


Post a Comment

<< Home