A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Please Don’t Take Us Back, Your Majesty

Your Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth, I sincerely hope you enjoyed your recent visit to our country. From all the media accounts I have seen, it appears that you had a full schedule with several productive and fun activities. I’m sure that it was a most enjoyable visit, with the exception of one incident.

This week many Americans are talking about President’s Bush gaffe when he introduced you at the White House Rose Garden ceremony on Monday. The public reaction to his insinuation that you visited us in 1776 (and not 1976) has ranged from shock and disbelief to guffaws and exclamations of “Yep, that’s our W!”

While we may never know if he intended it to be a joke, or if it was another example of the President putting his foot in his mouth (he’s elevated this to a science), I for one am grateful that he didn’t launch into a full-fledged monologue. I wouldn’t have been surprised if his next utterance would have been along the lines of, “Your Majesty, was Ben Franklin as randy as the history books say he was? Yuk! Yuk!” I would’ve been shocked, but not surprised.

My point in all this is I hope you don’t hold this incident against the rest of us, the American people. We now know what the rest of the world figured out a long time ago: the man is an idiot. I realize that this could reflect poorly on all Americans since we "voted" him into office not once, but twice. Still, I must point out that 49% of us did not vote him back to the White House.

I’ll never know what the other 51% were thinking when they pulled his lever in 2004, but I want to remind you that not all of us agree with him on everything any more. His most recent approval ratings are now at 39%. I realize that this is a 12-point disparity, so clearly not everyone owns up to voting for him. Obviously, someone is lying. Don’t worry, we will find them. Rest assured we won’t kill them, but we can’t rule out the infliction of deep pain on them.

Still, I can see where this might present a golden opportunity for your country to come back and try to take us under your royal wing again. I can appreciate the temptation to do this. After all, the majority of us were gullible enough to elect him our leader, so your military leaders might see us as ripe for the taking. I fear that your military strategists will figure, “Hey, these Americans won’t put up much of a fight, as long as we don’t take American Idol off the air.”

Here again, I ask that you resist executing this thought. Most of us are bloated and slow moving, and I doubt that we could really add anything of value to Great Britain. Admittedly, we still have a lot of resources to use even after 200 plus years of exploitation. However, if you invade and conquer America – like you tried to do in 1776 - then you must realize we are a package deal. Yes, you’ll get cable tv with on-demand, but you’ll also get the entire Bush administration. Yes, you’ll get to control the liberal media in Hollywood, but you’ll also get people like Paris Hilton and Simon Cowell.

I would strongly advise that you give this a lot of thought, Your Highness. Simon Cowell! Do you really want him back?


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