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Monday, July 30, 2007

Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain – Part Two

Historical theory: the following phone conversation may or may not have occurred on July 30, 2007 between two high ranking members of the Bush Administration.

Place: The White House, where a phone is ringing.

Karl: Good morning, White House.

Dubya: Oh good, Karl. I found you at least. Where’s Dick? I haven’t been able to reach him all weekend.

Karl: Well, sir, he had heart surgery on Saturday. He was tied up, so to speak.

Dubya: Heart surgery? Why wasn’t I notified?

Karl: Sir, calm down. Dick didn’t mention it to you? I’m surprised you didn’t know anything about it. Everyone else knew about it. It was in all the papers...

Dubya: Karl, you know darn well I don’t read newspapers. What I mean is, isn’t there something in the Constitution about situations like this? You know, where power needs to be transferred during times when the leader is incapacitated...?

Karl: Well, sir that really wouldn’t...

Dubya: In fact, I know it’s in the Constitution. I just can’t think what a...a...what do you call it?

Karl: Amendment, sir?

Dubya: That’s it, amendment! Where’s my copy? Oh, here it is, sticking out of the top of my shredder. Now give me a minute to piece these shreds together and I’ll figure it out...

Karl: Sir, it’s the 25th amendment, and it doesn’t apply in this case.

Dubya: Here’s one clause I got, “President shall not...wage...war...without...permission...from...Wall Street?
That doesn’t sound right! When did that get into the Constitution? Oh, I see what happened. I must have put two pieces of paper together that shouldn’t be put together.

Karl: Sir, the amendment you’re thinking of doesn’t apply in this case since Dick is the Vice President. It applied last weekend when you had your colonoscopy and you had to pass power to him. It went from you, the President, to him, the Vice President. You’re the President!

Dubya: Oh, I am? I mean, I knew that! Still, you know how much I depend on Dick! He’s practically my right side.

Karl: You mean your right hand man, sir!

Dubya: That too! I don’t know what to do without him around. What do you mean Ask again?

Karl: Oh, sir, you don’t give yourself enough credit for...what did you just say?

Dubya: Huh, oh, nothing. What I’m trying to say is, I’m lost without Dick. He helps me make the tough decisions, which means he helps me make decisions that aren’t easy. It is certain. What the heck do you mean It is certain?

Karl: Sir, I didn’t say anything...sir, are you using your Magic Eight Ball again?

Dubya: What? Me, the head decider using a children’s toy to make decisions?

Karl: Sir?

Dubya: All right, all right! I am using the Eight Ball. So what? I’m the President! I can use whatever means are available to me to do my Constitutional duty.

Karl: Well, sir, that’s true, but the Eight Ball...

Dubya: Nixon used to talk to those portraits of Lincoln in the hallway. Nobody told him he couldn’t do that...

Karl: Sir, my point is...

Dubya: And what about FDR? He probably poured his heart out to that little black dog of his...

Karl: The dog’s name was Fala, sir!

Dubya: Follow! Right, you do follow me. You see what I’m saying. People like Dick and you are very valuable to me. It is certain. Darn this thing! Maybe if I shake it around a bit...

Karl: Sir, put the Eight Ball down. You don’t need it. Dick will be back to work soon. In the meantime, you are still the leader of the free world. You are perfectly capable of making decisions on your own.

Dubya: I know, you’re right, Karl. I can always depend on you to say the right thing, you ole turd blossom you.

Karl: Yes sir. It is certain.


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