A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Perils of O. J. Simpson – Chapter 4391

When we last left our hero, NFL legend, television celebrity and all-around model citizen, O.J. Simpson was pursuing the real killer of his wife Nicole and her friend, Ron Goldman, when he realized that some of his property had been stolen. Quickly, he tracked down the culprits to a hotel room in Las Vegas. There he and several associates burst into the room, allegedly brandishing guns in an effort to retrieve his stuff before it could be sold at auction. Suddenly...

Why am I wasting time on this egotistical jerk? Why can’t he stay out of trouble for once? Does he crave public attention so much that he’s willing to break the law to get it? Does he think his lawyers will be able to bail him out again?

O.J. may have a harder time beating this rap. For one thing, his main counsel from the old days, “Rhymin’ Johnnie” Cochran, has gone to that great courtroom in the sky. Also, O.J. may not have the financial resources he had to hire good lawyers as he did 12 years ago. That pesky wrongful death verdict brought by Ron Goldman’s family has probably put a serious crimp in Simpson’s finances.

Actually, my argument isn’t with Simpson. I am more concerned about the dark cloud that will descend into all of our lives if his latest legal battles drag on like the last time. Yes, my problem is not with O.J., but rather with the media. Therefore, the following open letter.

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen of the Print and Non-Print Media,

I know this latest O.J. episode is very tempting to exploit and that right now you’re probably thanking the spirit of William Randolph Hearst for dumping this opportunity into your laps. As I write this, you are probably drooling at the prospect of O.J. updates on nationally televised news, breaking news crawls on all the top-rated television shows, news alerts on the Internet, and of course, special O.J. editions from every major newspaper in the country. I hope you will reconsider what you are about to do to America.

Frankly, we can’t take anymore of O.J. We had our fill of him during the last century. Sure we played along then 12 years ago and lapped up every little tidbit you gave us, but, trust me, we are not that gullible anymore. We’re more sophisticated now and we don’t have to buy into every little piece of crap that you try to shove down our throats. In fact, we don’t have to buy anything that you advertise on your shows or in your newspapers. Yes, we could boycott any product you try to sell us as long as you insist on talking about O.J.

If you won’t do it for us, then please consider doing it for the girls. You know which ones I mean - Lindsay, Britney, and Paris. These ladies thrive on attention just like O.J. Every column inch and every radio or television segment you devote to O.J. is that much less publicity these ladies will have. Their very survival may depend on it! If these ladies don’t get the attention they deserve – good, bad, and embarrassing, but the more embarrassing the better – then they may very well, like, die!

Ladies and gentlemen of the media, we would appreciate it if you would do this for us. I’m sure the girls would be eager to show their appreciation...if you know what I mean. This is all I have to say about you people in the media covering O.J. You’ve been warned. Don’t make us take hostages!


Blogger Carol said...

Well said!

September 20, 2007 at 7:32 AM  

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