A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Monday, April 21, 2008

McCain’s Sound Bite Solutions

While the Democratic candidates valiantly fight off the tabloid-minded media, the other candidate for President, John McCain, is actually talking about the issues. This does not bode well for the Democrats, who are continually trapped in the verbal minefields set out by the press. We should, in the interest of equal time, examine a few of McCain’s solutions to the issues that should be getting our attention in this election year.


McCain has proposed cutting the 18.4 cent federal tax on a gallon of gasoline for the upcoming summer months. He believes that this will give Americans a few more dollars in their wallets and there will be a trickle down effect. This idea was tried before when Bob Dole was running against the popular Bill Clinton in 1996. Dole needed a boost in the polls and the Republican-led Congress obliged by repealing the federal gas tax. The trick worked – for a while. Dole got his boost, but it died away before the general election happened four months later.

McCain has no such motive at the moment. He doesn’t know who he will be facing this November. In many ways McCain and Dole have led similar paths in their professional lives. If we suppose for one minute that this country is actually a corporation, then we could say that both McCain and Dole started out as lowly clerks in the mailroom. In actuality, they both served their country in the military. Then each one climbed up the “corporate ladder” (through the legislature) until the point where they could go nowhere else in the company but the top spot. In this respect Dole deserved to win in 1996, but due to Clinton’s popularity (the economy was very good, if you’ll recall), he lost the election. In a similar way, McCain probably deserves to be President also, but he is facing national fatigue with the GOP and its disastrous policies.

I’ve calculated how much McCain’s proposal would save me every two weeks when I fill my tank, and the savings indeed works out to a few bucks. Actually, my savings would be $2.21! Gee, what could I do with that? I could buy three-quarters of a cup of Starbucks coffee! Or, if this were 1970 and Jim Savage still had his candy store in Catawissa, I could buy Aurora’s scale model of the 1923 Dempsey-Firpo fight for $1.98, and still have a few cents left over for a chocolate nonpareil or two. Alas, it isn’t 1970 and $2.21 doesn’t go very far any more.

Also, I can’t help noticing the word “trickle down” in McCain’s proposal. I recall the last time this expression was used was during the Reagan administration. I don’t remember anything trickling down then, except for maybe a substance known as piss.


McCain has at one point stated (then backed off) his feeling that America will be a presence in Iraq for the next 100 years. Actually, this isn’t as bad as it sounds. After all, we have five years of the Iraq war behind us. That means we only have 95 more years to go! Isn’t it great that if we push a button in the voting booth for McCain that we’ll actually be determining the lives of future generations of Americans? Yes, a vote for John McCain will be tantamount to packing your children...and your children’s children...and your children’s children’s children off to fight the war on terror. Doesn’t that make you feel warm inside?


McCain has previously said that the federal government should not get involved in helping those Americans who borrowed over their heads and into foreclosure. I believe he has since proposed an idea to help, but his original statement isn’t going away anytime soon, not if I can help it. I haven’t seen or heard any sound bite from his camp about health care for all Americans, so I’m going to assume that he doesn’t have a solution for that issue either.

Somehow I get the feeling that he will solve both problems with a lump solution. Borrowing an idea attributed to the Eskimo culture, McCain may gather all the people with foreclosure problems and all the uninsured people with health problems together on an ice floe, and push it out to sea. Problem solved, and no one’s taxes are raised! The GOP base will especially like that last part.

Oh, wait! That solution does have the putrid tinge of fascism. Hmmm...we may have to rethink this one again.


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